december_solstice

A few weeks ago, my grandmother had a stroke and her health has been steadily declining. If it weren’t for her, I’d still be homeless. She helped me foot the bill for 6-months of security deposit on an apartment. Now, her health is a big concern and she’s pretty much near the end of her life. My mother (her child) pretty much got on a plane and left, without saying anything to anyone, and has be ignoring me since I became homeless. Needless to say, she doesn’t want anything to do with my grandmother, and so now, the burden of sorting out her life insurance, health insurance, finances, medical care, end-of-life care (home nurse, hospice, nursing home, probably funeral services etc.) falls upon me. I’ve been trying desperately to get a small loan to travel back home, get things in order, and stay with her for a little bit (I’m in NY right now, from HI), and it’s been impossible. I accumulated debt in housing court before I became homeless. My credit is terrible, and I don’t make enough money for any kind of leverage on a loan. My question is, does anyone have any kind of suggestions as to where I should look, or how I can increase my chances on a loan? At this point, I’m pretty much racing against the clock. I applied with 2 banks. First time with a cosigner. Second time, a friend with good credit still got denied. She actually needs a cosigner herself. I looked into HRA’s One Shot Deal - no luck. This is all new and unexpected. There is a lot of emotional pain, a lot of stress and anxiety. To the point that I can’t even preform at my job as well as I usually can. Life is so unforgiving, but I’m doing my best to roll with the punches, but that doesn’t mean I can figure it all out by myself. I need to make magic happen, and I haven’t a clue how I’m going to do it. If anyone knows a solution that I’m not thinking of, please, any advice would be welcomed and appreciated!

I won't post everything, just the last few entries. All of my personal posts can be found here.

7/30 Pt. 2
I should be sleeping, or trying to sleep, but I’m being myself instead.
The one good thing that happened today is we got food stamps! Again! I haven’t had it since Dec. It popped today for $430ish. That’s a lot. I spent about $25 of it on my way home from work this evening. I actually had some restraint and purchased only what I would purchase on my cash food budget. Assuming the hole-in-the-wall produce markets in the neighborhood take EBT, that means I can also realistically afford fresh fruits and vegetables on a weekly basis. That will in turn improve my health and overall improve my mood and, well, life in general. In terms of financial Independence, it’s clearly going to make an impact. That’s a lot of money I can now save, pay down debts, or I dunno, actually buy things. Like clothes. That I still don’t have. I know how to be poor, you know? I don’t have a problem with not spending money. I can handle budgets. I just want enough financial security that if something bad happens, I can swipe my debit card. I also just want to make her life worth it, you know? I want all of this to be worth it. I want to prove that we can crawl out of the deepest pit and still build upwards. That we can build from our rubble. She built from nothing. She built from dirt. If she can build from dirt, I can certainly build from rubble.
In other news, I checked my Ovia app. I had sex on a 9.5 fertility score. I also know that I’m ovulating. It’s been 6 months since we left the shelter, and I’ve had steady periods. I’ve probably had more periods this year than I’ve had over the last 3 years. My body is actually working. Naturally. Without treatment. I didn’t think it was possible. I thought, for years, infertility was my fate, my life. I wonder if it’s my time yet. I’m afraid it’s not. I’m afraid it is. Life really is a funny thing.
- - 7/30
  - Today was a rough day, but I tried to make the best of it, none the less. I got through most of this week’s to-do list. Tomorrow should be quiet. Hopefully.
    I am overwhelmed with a lot of stress and anxiety about this loan. It has me thinking, wondering, pleading for God’s/the universe’s favor. We need this. We need God to be with us, just a bit further, although I hope God stays. We all need this. Not just me, but Nicole too. I really am doing my best, planning to continue to do my best, and hope it’s enough. We’re trying so hard to preserve this. We’re trying our best to rise to our potential, to our burdens, not just me, but Thomas and Nicole too. I’m personally trying to not become drained by it. God, show us mercy. We’re doing our best.
- - 7/29 Pt. 3
  - I had a pretty eventful and busy weekend. On Friday, I went into the city to deposit my check, then to the SS office to apply for a replacement card. I visited the World Trade Center for the first time. I wish Thomas could have seen it. It was quite a sight to see. My phone died by the time I made it to the SS office, but it was kind of nice to walk around the city without being connected to what’s happening on my phone. As hard as it’s been these past 2 years, there is something about this city. I just love it so much. There’s nothing quite like wandering the streets of NYC.
    I ran more errands yesterday and today. Primarily groceries for the week as well as snacks for my lunches. I’ve been going to D&D, a discount store, that has a lot of name brand products for well under shelf price. Most of what I bought was a little over $1, and/or around $1.50. I also picked up a few other items we needed for the house – zip-lock bags, bath soap, etc. Stopped by a few produce markets in the area and picked up some fruit. On Friday, I noticed a Chinese bakery right next to the train station that I’ve never noticed in the almost 6 months I’ve been living in the area. They sell 4-packs of these huge steamed buns for 2.75-3.75, which is a fantastic price. This is going to make Thomas happy considering he loves them. They also have this sweet spongecake with crispy pork fat sprinkled on top. It’s devilishly good. I am tempted to pick one up tomorrow. I really should make an effort to explore more. I’m sure there is still quite a bit I haven’t seen in my 5 block radius.
    I realize how blessed I am. I realize how much my goals have come into fruition. The person whom I wanted to be. The life which I wanted. It’s not perfect, but it’s very in-line with my ideal.
- - 7/29 Pt. 2
  - I should be getting to bed, but I really want to get some writing done. I slept like 12 hours last night, so they’ll be a few more of these tonight. I’m a little worried that IP isn’t going to be what I expected, but I made a promise to myself, and to God, that I’d see this through. I know I should, and I know this is, in a way, my responsibility. We still haven’t launched our new project, and if we don’t launch soon, I might search for another PT job and/or find another way to bring in a little extra income. I really need an extra *steady* minimum of $400ish bucks a month, and I was really hoping I could get that from IP. That doesn’t mean I will leave IP, because I won’t. It’s just heavy stuff, you know? It’s a lot. To be thinking about homelessness and systematic poverty, like, as a job. It’s painful. Draining. Too much some days. But I’ll do it regardless. I’ll rest when I need to. I’ve been taking time away from our support group because it’s become a bit too much for me lately. I’m going to be partnering with a fairly popular psychologist from Twitter and another homeless peer to publish a paper about the psychological effects of experiencing homelessness and living in a homeless shelter. Funny thing is, Thomas and I discussed doing just this while we were homeless but were too afraid. Now look - it’s happening. I also helped Arlene with her Thesis. I’m trying REALLY hard to serve people. She asked me if I’d do it, if she PayPal’d me some money. I said no money. I need money, but won’t take any from her. I know she can’t afford it. And I want her to graduate. I want her to finish this Thesis.

- 7/29 Pt. 1
- I’m pretty sure I’ve already mentioned this a few posts ago, but I have to travel back home. My Grandmother’s health is deteriorating and will likely not be around for much longer. As you know, if it weren’t for her, I’d still be homeless. A lot of bad has happened to our family. My parents left her, literally , without a word, and cut ties with our family. Because of this, her finances, insurance, health, her end-of-life care - basically everything, is now under my care and my responsibility because my parents and my Uncle (my mother’s brother) want nothing to do with her or our family. This is very emotionally painful, not only because she is near the end of her life, but I also missed a lot while I was homeless, My family has fallen apart. For years, I have always been sort of the glue that kept us together, and when I could not do that for us, things fell apart. My Grandmother sold our family home, not for me, particularly, but if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have had the leverage to pull us out of homelessness, and I honestly can not even imagine what the alternative would be. I don’t want to say death, and I don’t like to speak about it, but I think that was that is where we were both headed. Whatever would have happened, it would have been a tragedy.
  Anyway, I’ve been searching for a small loan to get get us home. I applied for a loan last week Thursday, spent over an hour working on the application, and was denied. Nicole offered to co-sign, but I don’t want to be applying for loans and have these rejections effect her credit. She is relocating next month for a promotion (WOOHOO!), and will need me to not do that to her. Considering we both are needing funds, we’re taking out a loan for us both. Please pray for us, my dear prayer warriors. We both need this to work out right now. I have asked God to guide us still, to not let us go yet, to be with us. I’ve actually started contributing to a prayer journal and will need to do some prayer and communing tonight.

- 7/24
- One thing that I’ve learned (and tried to accept) is the fact that it really doesn’t matter how much effort you put in, how hard you work, or how good your intentions are, life, in general, is very unforgiving, and I think because of that, we should make an even bigger effort, to alleviate that burden from others. Obviously, I’ve been feeling this way for quite some time now. The whole process of evading, becoming, and recovering from homelessness has made me feel like the world doesn’t really care (or isn’t equip to care) about other people. I think, because this is true, I feel somewhat compelled to care more, to serve more.
  Last night, I sent a woman $10 (that I honestly really didn’t even have to give) because she’s a homeless mom living in her car with small children. She had a difficult day of being turned away by dozens of homeless service providers and couldn’t even put food in her kid’s stomach that night, so I sent, essentially money I didn’t have, because I knew, without a doubt, it probably wouldn’t have happened otherwise. And, when I think about when this was happening to me, it just makes me sad because what she is experiencing is unavoidable and the norm. I thought to myself, you know, we all make choices, when we choose not to help, we are making a choice, and that wasn’t the choice I wanted to make last night. I didn’t want to choose to allow her kids to go to sleep hungry because they did not choose this. They did not choose hunger or homelessness – not saying their mother did, but those kids are beyond innocent and they’re suffering unjustly.
  Tsu told me today that, “it’s not easy to teach someone to care”. And, he’s right. It’s probably impossible to teach someone to care, if they don’t already care. People are not only selective with their care, but I really do think, unless you’re naturally compassionate, most folks only care about what they understand or what they can relate to. If they can’t relate, if they don’t understand it, they probably aren’t/can’t be moved to caring.
  A woman called me today at the office and was extremely discouraged because, more or less, everyone she was put in contact with, before me, didn’t care enough to help her. She had been transferred 10 times, and each time, to the wrong department. What she needed was registration/enrollment help, but, alas, that isn’t something I can do for her directly. I tried to get more information and take down her name so I could put her in contact with the right person, but she was so discouraged that she told me she was giving up then hung up the phone. Here’s my thing: Why work in the public sector if you’re not interested in helping people? No one likes being dismissed. Why work here if you don’t care?

- 7/17
- Considering the amount of stuff that’s going on, and has been going on, I’m surprisingly balanced when it comes to efficiency. Balance is tricky. I want to find time to do all of these things, while also, somehow, not burning myself out. I want to be dedicated to the work I do, but I also want to live a very normal life.
  So much has happened in over the span of a few short months. Recovering from homelessness has been liberating, in many ways, but also stressful and expensive. I still don’t have clothes for work, or even appropriate summer/warm weather clothes. I am literally wearing long sleeves in 100+ degree weather. But, recovery being slow, it really does feel like a fresh start. I feel similarly to how I felt when I first moved to NYC 7 years ago. Possibility. I was beginning to establish myself here. I can’t believe how far from my path I fell, and how quickly I got back on track. I didn’t suspect to be so close to what and where I wanted to be, basically, not this specifically, and not this quickly, either.
  I feel like God, the universe, has sent me really good people, at a time when I really needed allies and just very loving, very positive folks. I’ve always sort of been that ally, you know? I’ve been the support system, in a lot of spaces, and I’ve realized how difficult it is when you don’t have someone like that in your life.
  I’m leaving the office in about 30 minutes. I took a long extended weekend. On Saturday evening, I was feeling really under the weather. It was the first time I’ve ever felt the comfort of having sick leave from my employer, and just overall, not feeling the anxiety of missing work for a day. I work with some really fantastic people.
  I know that I’ve been saying, quite regularly, that things are still hard, and they are, the process of getting back on my feet and reaching a place of stability and security is that much harder when you have nothing and have to rebuild, basically from scratch. That’s also partially why it feels like it did when I first arrived in NYC in 2011.
  Now that I’m nearly settled, I have to get a flight back to Hawaii to see my Grandmother, and will need to find a loan for it. So far, I’ve gotten nothing but rejections from the applications I’ve put out. Bad credit. Low income. Not to mention, housing court and homelessness is on my record. I’m a liability. It’s applying for housing all over again, but this time, I don’t have time.
  Her health is deteriorating and I’m the only person who can sort out her finances/life insurance, etc, and figure out how to care for her/what to do when/if she dies. My Mother dropped this entire thing on my head, and at such a time as this.
  Time, and life in general, is not very forgiving. I’ve written, I don’t know about expensively, but I have mentioned that my parents are now completely estranged from my family. They basically up and left right after my Grandmother sold the family estate and went and bought a house on the mainland. Now she’s alone. It was a very nasty falling out. So, my Grandmother’s health/end of life is more or less my responsibility. Right now she’s staying with my uncle, but mind you, I was homeless, and she kind of fell on his doorstep with no where to go and no one to care for her, and that’s not easy – he has a life and family to take care of on his own.
  So, I’ve got to make it back there, figure things out, make sure she is taken care of, while I maintain everything here, with essentially no funds to do so. MY BFF has offered to co-sign a small loan for me, but I need to find one that will allow out of state cosigners. Then I need to figure out who is going to take out the loan. My husband has better credit, not by much, but it might make a difference.
  If anyone has any suggestions on getting a small loan $2000-2500, I think most have a minimum of $3000, so literally the SMALLEST loan possible, with bad credit, although possibly with a out-of-state cosigner, please let me know!

It’s already past 4, and I really should be going to bed. I can’t be staying up this late. In reality, I need to start establishing a midnight-1am bedtime, so I can actually get a full nights rest on a regular basis. Clearly, that isn’t happening tonight, and that’s OK.

I’ve been engaging a lot more with my support group. On my blog, homeless people are starting to reach out to me. Sometimes, it’s a lot. I mean the world is a lot, isn’t it. Suicide seems to be more prevalent than ever. We’re apparently kidnapping immigrant babies. I mean, really.

Not necessary off topic, but not on topic either, I think the trick is to really serve others, FULLY, without judgement, without anything but love, but not trying to save the world. We have to pick a few things and just give ourselves to it. You can’t give yourself to everything that makes you angry. There just isn’t enough you to go around. We can care, we can feel, but we cannot save the world.

That doesn’t mean we can’t love people when they need love. Love others, love them hard, when your heart is full. And, please, serve others. Just don’t do it when you can’t. That’s the secret, you know.

When I serve others, I take time out of my day, and I give it to them. Like, literally. I give myself to this person for a while. And I simply love them. I love them as I love my family. When I can’t do it, I don’t. I wonder if I’m making any sense.

I matched a homeless girl to services last night and just overall showered some love on her. Another person was talking to me, on my blog, about abuse from onsite shelter caseworkers.

Let’s be real. I’m not qualified for any of this. Most of us aren’t. The truth is, I can’t advise everyone. I don’t always have the right answers. I don’t know enough. And, even when I do, I still don’t. But, I can usually point them in the direction of someone who can take care of them in ways I am not sure about. It really is a lot. But, I realize I have to try. I have to do my best.

It’s just…I think about myself, you know? And what I needed then, and I’m trying to be what I needed when I was homeless.

I’m turning 28 this summer. My 20′s are pretty much almost over. The last 3 years of my life have been a shitstorm, but I’m finally in a place where I can refocus and move forward. I really am ready to just push past all of it, you know? I really need to give myself permission to put down the baggage. I don’t want the pain anymore, and I’m kind of at a point where I am refusing to carry it.
This weekend I learned how important it is going to be for me to take time on the weekends to really care for myself. I talk about this a lot, burning out, etc. so already do I know that I have a tendency to push a little too far. Honestly, is anyone else like this? How do you avoid it?
For the most part, my day job isn’t all that demanding, but there is some mentally engaging work that I will be spending long periods of time doing. I basically do a lot of thinking. It sounds silly, but that’s basically what I’m doing. It’s a lot of discussion and thinking and putting concepts into action. And, I do a lot of thinking when I’m working on other stuff away from my day job too (lead writer/editor for a non-profit, personal projects/Scar Tissue, my WordPress blog etc.). I’m starting to think about the risk of mental exhaustion, and how I can avoid it in the future. Especially when I consider the fact that I plan to register for classes again soon.
I will have to ask myself, honestly, how much is too much. How much weight can I carry? How much can I bare without it all tipping over? In the ideal universe, I’d be able to choose how much of everything I’d like to do, but that’s not how it works. On the bright side, when I don’t have any pressing large projects at work, I actually have a lot of time to work on other personal projects, which is very much the norm in an academic environment. Everyone is doing a little bit of this and that. So, when inspiration does hit, I can still hit the keyboard in the office and pump out some words.
I’ve already been told that this job is going to be good for me (and me for the job). That’s a really nice thing to hear from your colleagues. I already feel very close to them, too. I can just see how we’re going to help each other bloom, challenge each other to grow.
How did this happen? Honestly. I feel so blessed. Like God, like the universe, like the earth, is nurturing me, pulling me under it’s wings, teaching me to fly.
There is so much potential in my life right now. A lot of room for good things. When I walk through the campus, I see these little quiet pockets of space, where I could potentially do work. I could write, read, etc. in these spaces, before or after my shifts, on breaks.
Honestly there is so much to say, but I can’t say it all now, in this one post. I’m just in the right place. That’s all I can really say. I feel like I was really meant to be here. That feeling is extremely strong. All my experience, leading up to now, was meant to be. I really am meant to be where I am right now. I just can’t shake the feeling. When I speak to people. Just each moment, feels so right. I really am where I am meant to be.
I feel so compelled to pour myself into all of this. Unravel, liquefy, all of it, and spread out, cover everything, bleed into everything. God, I probably sound like such a fucking whack-job.
My boss, is a real character too. She recently went to a conference in Tanzania, I think it was. I might be wrong, and brought back goodies for us. She is very much herself. Does that make any sense? Apologetically. Everyone is, honestly. Everyone’s personality is so strong. They’re like beaming. U know? Like a blinding sun. These are my people. We’re going to do some great things together.
It’s all really rubbing off on me. I’m itching to do something big. Something that’ll surprise myself. I think, all of this I’m doing now is great, but I need something bigger. And, that desire is good. I need it for the future. There will always be competition for what I want, and I’ll have to be better than a lot of people. This is kind of a shitty thing to say, but that’s the reality of academia. It’s cut throat, but I really do believe it’s one of the few instances where the context, the purpose, the end goal, is something very positive.

I figured I probably shouldn’t try to force myself to do more than I can today. I’m on the rag and dealing with abdominal pain. I’m super heavy, and may need to pick up more pads.

I’ve been getting a lot of exercise lately. And, it’s not uncommon for me to walk 2+ miles a day, and that’ll continue to be a norm in the future. I’ve also been healthier than I’ve ever been, so my hormones are regulating and as a result, having more mood swings and intense emotions. Hence Meghan’s death is driving me up the fucking wall. Like, I’m still fuming from last night. The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off.

I was planning to try and get at least one post up on WordPress. Maybe 2. For my Sunday Scribbles, I considered writing about Meghan’s death, but it’s just too much, and I don’t feel it right to publicly discuss her life. Her death doesn’t have to be displayed as a lesson to the homeless sector. At least not from me.

I got out alive, many do not. I remember in December, I felt like I was reaching that point. Of being done. She did this for years. I can’t save all these people. I am just one person. I wish I could take all the pain away, the despair, the helplessness, but I can’t. I’m just so fucking pissed. Maybe the support group was ineffective. Maybe it just wasn’t enough. I mean, it’s not. Clearly. You need more than a fucking support group to survive homelessness. You need HOUSING.

She searched tirelessly for years, she tried to seek help and was turned away over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over for years. OH MY FUCKING GOD IM SO PISSED

It’s suspected to be self-inflicted but we’re not making assumptions. Suicide attempts are very common and kind of this very painful norm in homeless shelters, but even in a shelter, her life may have been saved.

I need go to do something else.

Just found out that a friend I met in my homeless peer support group just died tonight. She died before she was able to get housed along with her support animal. Homeless services *couldn't* house her because she didn't meet certain criteria. Because apparently HOMELESS isn't enough. Fucking stupid. Bureaucratic bullshit. UGH

Her death probably could have been prevented if she were housed in time and there wasn't so much bureaucratic bullshit. She used to be a professional figure skater. In short, I’m pissed. Emotionally exhausted. Wondering if she had any family. Who is going to bury her. Etc. What about her dog? It’s all just very fucked up.

Did a little prayer (in my prayer journal), wrote up my calendar for the week and got through some of my to-do list before I received the news. Going to check out the last stage of my application for Blogmutt. Although it looks like my account has been made, and I can already start writing my first post for approval.

I wish it wasn’t already 4am on Sunday. I can tell you that.

I’ve been meaning to update my Tumblr #personal tag for some time now, but I haven’t been able to get myself to do it. I notice, once I actually start, it’s much easier. Isn’t that always the case? Starting is hard. If you think less about it, and just *do it*, well, it gets done. I turned on my laptop for the first time in months, and I’ve been sitting on the couch, with the coffee table pulled up against my knees, trying to get comfortable in this position. I’m trying to get in the groove of working on my laptop when Thomas is on the computer – well until it truly kicks the bucket. It doesn’t hold a charge, and it can’t really do anything except web browse. Anywho, I found this journal entry in my Writer app (which I;m pretty sure I posted on Tumblr back in early March):

Man though, I can’t even express how I’m feeling. Like, nothing I write here even comes close, you know? Time is still standing still. And, I’m really trying to savor it. Savor this moment. I’m trying to take it all in. Life is so precious right now, and I would, at this point, do anything in my power to preserve what I have. Because it’s mine. I wrote down, in my journal, under what I’m grateful for, “Freedom and autonomy”. And, I can’t even express to you how amazing it feels to finally have control over my life again. I feel like the possibilities are again endless. Sometimes I can’t quite wrap my head around it all. Not even NINE days ago, I was sleeping in a homeless shelter. The last 2 years of my life have been nothing but constant pain. Hopelessness. Despair. And, now, it’s all different. I’ve been given another chance at life. And, I know what I have to do with that chance. I know exactly what I must do. Be better. Live better. Do more. Be more. Remember where I came from, remember what I’m capable of. Remember where I can go.

I wrote this 3 months ago. I can feel my heart beating faster, just reading it over. The apartment, I admit, still feels alien, not yet like home, and I’m not sure when that will no longer be the case. I am OK with that taking some time. It’s amazing reading this again, and thinking about all that has happened since then. I start my first full shift on Monday at the local college. I’ve been working with a non-profit, mostly copy-editing, and really growing within the non-profit community. I’ve started discussing poverty, homelessness and class warfare more openly on all social media platforms and I’m seeing how my online community has shifted because of it. (I’m also rapidly losing followers but that’s kind of how it goes. Some people don’t like that kind of conversations on their feeds.) Although it’s still kind of difficult, due to the fact that it is personal, it does hit so close to home, I am also determined to be fearless, to break down those barriers.

Scar Tissue is rapidly growing a loyal audience over on WordPress and it’s like nothing I’ve experienced before – to think that so many people are now walking through my shoes, who are constructing a new image of homelessness – now capable of thinking differently about it. It’s miraculous, to say the least.

That doesn’t necessarily mean things are all better, because it’s still very much a process, but we’re well on our way, and I recognize the progress. I have finally found job security. I have a UNION job, guys. It blows my fucking mind. STILL. Of course, it’s going to be a little while until the checks start rolling in. Money is tight, but we’re OK. We put so much cash down on the security deposit and on the rent. Just starting over from nothing too, you know? And, I know we still have a ways to go – that’s the thing. My closet is still empty. I own like 3 shirts. It just doesn’t work when you have to look presentable at a job. June will be rough, maybe July too. Thomas is leaving non-profit, and so we’re both kind of moving between jobs, but the idea is that, when this transition is over, we will be so much better off financially. We just have to keep praying. I’ve pulled away from my routine, but will need to reestablish it this week. Especially now, that I have so much less free time, I will need to be even harder on myself. Disciplined. You’d be surprised how much time is wasted web browsing/scrolling through social media feeds. That’s why I try to be careful about what I’m doing on the internet, because otherwise, before I know it, it’s been hours, and a chunk of my day has been wasted. I definitely have to get back into keeping a planner too – and actually use it EVERY day. I’m really trying to stay on top of things. But, I’m not perfect. But, I’m trying. Keeping the home clean, eating my greens, keeping to a strict budget, being consistent on WordPress.

That’s always the problem. Consistency. I should find a book on routine and consistency. See if there is a way I can improve and maintain it.

Tomorrow I definitely want to contribute to WordPress. Ideally, I’d actually get TWO posts up. Sunday Scribbles and something else. I also have to see what it is I have to do for this content writing agency I applied for, although I’m almost 10000% sure it’s a “fresh” writing sample – they’ll give me a prompt/topic, and, yeah, I write. I’m at the final stage of the application. I could potentially make some extra money quickly, for the month of June, if this works out. I wish I had more time to get some stuff done, before this new job starts, but I purposely volunteered to start ASAP (obviously the sooner I start, the quicker I can start making more money), and I’m actually lucky I’m even able to, because they’re not requiring me to get my fingerprinting done before I start! Or update my social security card (it has my maiden name on it). And, both of those things require time, money, and scheduling an appointment. So, I’m actually really grateful to even be able to just start and make money. Overall, I’m just really excited for the future. It’s really a blessing to be able to pursue what your soul wants, while being able to actually afford it. I know that I hit the jackpot. To be in academia again, to see a realistic future in academia, to be back on MY path, it’s truly amazing. To be able to write and work for this non-profit, it’s just out of this world. And, to be able to support myself, take care of my family, and progress while not having to sacrifice everything for it – I have no words. You know, I’ve really worked really hard getting here, and for a short moment, I almost gave up. I almost lost it all when I became homeless. Thank God I didn’t.

5/29

Thomas has a phone interview tomorrow. It’s looks promising. FT job at a learning center is the neighborhood. He’s been emailing a little bit back and forth with them already. Cross your toes for him, please! He really needs to find something with steady FT hours (which, sadly, means buh-bye non-profit/public service that he’s loved for years). Although the hourly rate isn’t particularly fantastic, it’s OK, and being that he’d get 40 hrs a week and not have to commute into Manhattan…the pros outweigh the cons.
Between my new job at the city college, and my contract with IP, I am finally feeling a sense of security. Hopefully, for him, finding something with more hours, we could actually save money and improve our credit this year…start patching up all these leaks, slapping band-aids on all the crap that’s happened these past few years.
I feel like, living in all these different levels of poverty, and being homeless, I have adapted and learned how to survive. I would dumpster dive (and I really want to) if I wasn’t terrified of being arrested. This is kind of a upper-middle class snooty neighborhood with it’s own neighborhood security…
Although we’ve splurged a little bit since we got out of homelessness, I’ve also gone above and beyond in our budgeting. It’s actually had me realize how poorly my parents were with money. I remember we’d splurge on steaks one day, KFC and Subway (and not the $5 foot-longs either…) the next, then have no choice but to eat instant ramen to make ends meet. My mom used to pay the minimum amount on all her bills every month and we’d have our lights and cable shut off. I think if they tried, we would have eaten solid meals 7 days a week.
Of course, I like to splurge too, in reason though. Pizza in NYC is not expensive…with Netflix on a Friday night. That’s a privilege.
Just laying on the couch with Thomas…it’s so bittersweet. Simple moments like these still make my eyes swell. After everything we’ve been through together, you know?
I never expected employment to be so complicated, and I’m really feeling the weight of trying to make a living as a young person. I still realize how privileged we are to be able to manage full-time or make-shift full-time employment WITH benefits. I know that benefits alone is kind of unheard of. Most young people work 3-4 jobs, because there aren’t enough FT jobs.
I really hope that I manage to snag some commissions this week. Which by the way, are open! If anyone is interested in editing, proofreading, or beta-reading services, I’m opening up commissions through the first week of June! I’ll be committing to a larger project soon (and will be busy with a new PT job!) At that point, commissions will be closed. It certainly would be nice to make some money in the meantime. I am also open to writing poems and short stories if anyone is interested in that!

5/25

This post is probably going to be total convoluted shit-splat, but FUCK, I’m still at a loss for words so I’ll try my best.

I really think I’m entering another phase in my life. Big change is underway and I have to buckle the fuck up. As this is happening, I feel that it’s so important that I stay grounded, stay focused, and make sure I don’t float off into space. That I don’t let other areas of my life suffer, that I stay on track, that I remain disciplined. But, my entire life lead me to this point, right? So, I should be prepared. At least I think so. I just need a little grit, a little determination, just a little more bravery.

So, before I go off on a 2 hour tangent, yesterday I received a job offer from a local college. There is so much to share, but I don’t want to name names, obviously. Anonymity and all. This blog has remained fairly private/anonymous, and I really want to keep it that way, so these posts can continue to be real, unedited, unscripted blabber.

Anywho, this job is incredible. The main focus is to support educators who seek better ways to teach and serve their otherwise undeserved students - low-income, first-generation, and POC students, etc. my job is to help them implement changes in the classroom and in their curriculum.

You know, I know, we all know, it’s been such a long time coming. I thought, for a long while, that there was no hope. I’d never get back what I worked so hard for. I’d never get back into academia. I’ll never reach my goals. Think of where I was this time last year – fucking crying my asshole out in a homeless shelter with complete absence of hope. I remember pleading, bargaining even, with God, that an opportunity would present itself, something good, something good I could be part of, and I would work hard, I would make *this* my mission, if I was put in a position to.

Everything that’s happened recently, the people I’ve met, the paths that have been put in front of me, the work I’ve done, the writing, everything that’s come to me, and out of me, I can’t help but feel a divine presence in my life, guiding me. Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s my own heart, maybe it’s the Universe, maybe it’s every single person, whatever it is, it’s a bit larger than usual, a little stronger, and much more graceful.

A while ago, I deleted the blog I made for Hans, with the letters I wrote to him, and replaced it with a prayer journal. It’s all gone now. Lost. I didn’t hold on to anything. It’s a little ironic, because he was a vocal atheist who would probably laugh at me.

When I think about all of it now, after absolutely everything, it all just seems so superficial, and yet, the pain, clearly, was so great, for everyone involved. So great to create all of this destruction among us. I wish this clarity could have come to all of us then. We were hurting, almost purposelessly, in a way. I mean, did any of it really matter, I wonder. I mean it did, and it was complex in it’s own way, the pain was real, I mean there were lots of tears, but we really did purposelessly orchestrate our own pain against each other.

Now I try to figure out how I will begin this prayer journal, or if one is even needed. Isn’t this a prayer journal? Don’t I already talk to God in the quietest moments of my life? I am kind of convinced, we all talk to our own version of God.

I really want to pump out a few blog posts this weekend. Probably 3. New chap of Scar Tissue. Something for the Writer’s Corner. And, ofc, Sunday Scribbles. But for now, I think I’m just going to enjoy myself. Relax and bask in this feeling. A feeling I am unable to name. Is it awe? Deep humility? It is a new feeling.

Everyday I’m working on become a little more brave. It’s difficult, but I know that becoming more transparent about being homeless will help me “get over it”, although that’s probably an impossibility, but I could heal. It’s also kind of necessary for the quality of work I hope to do with IP – to be able to talk about it – to PUSH past the shame. I don’t want this pain to follow me for the rest of life, either, you know? Some days, I feel nothing but grace, and I feel like I have been showered with a surplus of blessings. Yet, other days, I feel really shitty. Like I’m covered in scars – hence “Scar Tissue”.

I’ve talked with a lot of formally (and currently) homeless people, and sometimes I think, it’s kind of inevitable, to feel like this, for a long time (i.e. my boss was homeless many many years ago, and he still has a irrational fear of landlords and apartments because of his eviction – so, yeah, I’m kinda lucky in that respect).

I think the lingering emotional pain just kind of comes with the experience. That realization makes me very sad. I think, at my core, the problem is I want the old me back very badly. I am sort of mourning who I was before I became homeless. Like, I just need to have the funeral, I guess. I know I have to let go, and I will be in pain until I do. I’m stuck in the past, so to speak.

This week (technically last week) was a great week. I worked on a big project for IP. Took up a decent amount of my time. It was super engaging and I’m overall very happy with what I’m doing. Like, there is no better work I can think of, tbh. I love a-ha moments, especially when I’m writing/editing, and I had a few of them today. It’s nice to be working on something (new projects) and making (what I consider) a decent amount of money. Very validating.

All of this is just proof that we really have very little control over what happens in our lives. I didn’t really expect any of what happened this year. I hope that I can still reach for things I am not willing to let go of. I feel like, perhaps, my life is kind of going in one direction, but I am not willing to give all of me to that. If that makes any sense.

Thomas has a big interview Thurs at this really cool science center. As I’m pretty sure I already mentioned, as much as he LOVES non-profit, it’s just not stable enough to do long term – always worrying about programs being cut, funding, reapplying every term, etc. There is a huge gap in the summer…I mean how is that viable for people who are trying to survive? Stability is so important when you’ve been homeless. There is always this fear, in the back of your mind, that somehow, the system will bleed you dry and leave you dying outside on the concrete. I know, irrational, but that’s how I feel. Like it’s kind of an impending doom, that I’ll be homeless again. Just a matter of time. God, I just hate it. That fear. Anywho, I am really praying that this ends up being a challenging (because he likes a challenge), long term, and secure thing. (And, ofc, that he gets the job!) It’s right up his alley (he loves science – whenever he is creating lesson plans, he finds a situation to have a science experiment).

This week is a bit busy. I have a Hollar and Peapod delivery. I also have to buy trash bags and clean the stove. I guess that isn’t really “busy”, but there is a lot of things going on. Tiara tipped me off on Express Writers, so I’m going to apply, and see what happens. Supposedly, once you apply, it’s just a matter of passing a few simple tests, and you’re in. I used to write for Ultius, but the pay was meh and I don’t feel like writing papers for lazy students anymore (no offense lmfao). I don’t know how good Express Writers is, but if they have more variety for jobs, I could use more freelancing opportunities.

For the most part, I’ve just been trying to focus on Scar Tissue and increasing traffic to my blog. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of buckling the fuck down and doing it. I’m not huge on social media, I’m going to have to learn how to use it better.

In need of a brain dump.
I feel like I’m teetering at the beginning of the future. You know the feeling? Like you’re on the edge of something new? That something is something incredible that happened tonight. I don’t want to jinx/outs myself, because, you know, BUTT I basically reached out (PR) to a semi-large, very well-established, well-received non-profit (like… I’m on Ted Talks all the time, I speak at university conferences all the time) about featuring my most current writing project, Scar Tissue, and/or collaborating with them somehow. And, lo and fucking behold, the founder, legit, directly replies to my inquiry and we’ve been corresponding by email about me being part of something FUCKING GRAND/something bigger than myself/an exciting project. I would not only be honored to be a part of this, but I feel like this is right in line with what I want to/have been trying to do for a long time.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been concerned about doing “good” work, you know? I want to do good work in my life, and that’s really important to me. Something I’m passionate about, something I’m good at – I want to discover and follow my calling. I want to be a part of something that is important, that can change the world. And, now, it’s like, I’m trying to make the right moves, say the right things, and I really think I should just be honest, be myself, and have a little faith, you know? I have many ideas. So much to offer. Like, I got notes, guys. I prayed for this. Many many nights in the shelter. I prayed. I prayed that something like this would come along, and that I’d be able to actually do it. Actually afford to do it. Please send prayers, well wishes, positive vibes, etc. I can’t wait to see how this all unravels.

I’m trying to get back into the habit of writing these daily journals.

Friday, while walking to the train, I managed to empty an entire bottle of Snapple into my purse, completely ruining it. Luckily for me, on Saturday, I found a good replacement while out in SoHo. I haven’t spent much time in that area, but now, since the closest bank to us is now there, we’ll probably be in the area a lot more. After I snagged a new purse, we walked into a MUJI pop-up shop and left with a handful of pens and notebooks. The quality is surprisingly fantastic and the prices are unbeatable. Pack of 5 notebooks was $3.50, I believe. Not even the Dollar Tree can beat that, and they come in a variety of sizes. Ofc, I bought the biggest ones.

The rest of Saturday was basically me meal planning, prepping a shopping list, and grocery shopping for April. It ended up coming out to about $25/week. $100 total. Of course, I already had a lot of things on hand, but I also refilled a lot of our basics too. I found a market on the main street that sells very cheap produce, including 5 for $1 apples, which I will probably grab more of this week.

I honestly spent most of Sunday laying on the couch watching Jessica Jones and reading poetry while drinking coffee. I feel so lucky being able to do that. Just having a couch to lay on blows my fucking mind. I’ve been watching all the Marvel series on Netflix, and didn’t expect to be that interested - I never was, really.

This week we have our laundry to do, as well as 2 packages coming, and an extermination on Friday. So, although Thomas is off for Spring Break, we’ve still got quite a bit going on.

I really think April is going to be a good month. I also know that it’s only going to be a good month if I make it so. Bills are way down. Some $168 bucks, not including rent. Though, that does include our phone, internet, and utilities. Amazing right?

It’s not easy staying disciplined. And, it’s even harder when Thomas is home, because I somehow feel less motivated to work when he isn’t. However, I can’t let that get in the way of my goals for this week. I need a plan/schedule, and to stick to it.

I have 4-5 blog posts scheduled, and I also really want to invest the same amount of time to social media engagement. Ideally, I’d like to do some commissions as well. Read more - specifically finish No Matter the Wreckage by Sarah Kay, and continue Bird by Bird. Drink more water, and get some miles in, while keeping the apartment clean and tidy.

It’s been exactly 1-month since we officially moved into our apartment, and we’ve burned through a lot of money just getting started, but it feels good, and I try to look at it all as a blessing, and never again, nothing as a burden, not when they’re not really burdens, you know? April should be easier, since we’re now (mostly) settled. Thomas is also getting paid for, not only ½ of March, but also April, so that means, we should have a bit more wiggle room financially. At this point, I really don’t want to spend more than $500 of our nest egg. And, I really hope to bring in some commissions as well, while I continue to look for another job. Does anyone have any suggestions for self-promo? I’m actually really in the mood for it. Like, I’m itchinggg for it!

Yesterday I made turkey chili from scratch. We're having that tonight with the works. Surprised how much topping it with fresh green onions improves the dish. There is a market on the main street that sells these huge bunches, 4 for $1. I have them sitting in a glass on the kitchen window, and am so shocked by how quickly they're regrowing new sprouts, just by sitting in fresh water. I know it's naive, but I feel God's touch in everything I do. Even if it's just my brain's reaction to past traumas, but my heart and soul is open nonetheless.
I'm starting to get inquires coming in for editing services. I mean, it's only been a few days. Scar Tissue is going to get featured by another blogger on WordPress. And, I'm getting a lot of love/feedback on my newest installment. If these are all signs, I better abide by them. Because I feel like it's a sign. It's like the universe is telling me you better fucking work. Don't stop. Go, go, go. Don't stop. Go.
I also received an email today that bounced back. It doesn't really look like spam. I might put up a post to tell people to be careful of typos in their emails.
At this point, we're definitely over budget and we spent more of our nest egg in the first month of moving than I initially wanted to... but we're still in a very good place, and April looks good. Our electric bill came in at $28. Can you believe that shit? We can refill what we overspent next month, easily, if we are disciplined. Bills (not including rent) will run us about $160 for April. If I'm smart about meal planning and shopping, we should spend somewhere around $160-200 next month on food.
It's not easy being financially disciplined. Conscious spending, Jocelyn! I mean, I slip up, I want stuff, who doesn't? I'm used being dirt poor, so I'm tempted to buy stuff. My closet is empty. I have nothing. Naturally, I want to fill it. I want to have stuff. But, I'm trying to have restraint, to be smart. Trying to remember that having stuff =/= increasing my worth. I think I can erase my past by buying shit, by fooling others. Nope, can't do it. I've been homeless for a year, and nothing is going to change where I've been. I think that's why it's so important to do as much preparation as possible, because we're human.
I'm feeling a little regretful about what I recently bought from Rue 21. Mostly because everything I currently own is like super bum-ass-y. I bought a few super pretty higher-fashion pieces for work (and/or date nights) that I can't style with anything in my closet right now. Yeah, I know. Sigh&* So, now, I gotta spend more money, just to wear what I bought. Still, I know that IFFFFF I have a plan, it'll all work out just fine. I have to look at what I have, and figure this shit out. It's certainly stressful, you know? Because although I don't have shit, and I know I have to buy shit, I don't wanna just start accumulating shit either. Tbh, half of the stuff I do have is super old and worn out, and ready to be thrown out. And, I don't have much to begin with. So literally every time I go outside, I'm stuck wearing the same thing! And, well, that's not very efficient, is it?
I did find a few really good pieces from H&M, which I'm super happy about. I'm simple when it comes to dressing myself, you know? I like comfortable. I like to not think so hard about dressing myself. But I still want to look well put together because I know what I wear impacts how people think and receive me.
I have my eye on a few things from Old Navy. Anyhow, now I'm going to go stare at the stuff in my Old Navy shopping cart for the next 30 minutes.

It’s been nearly a month since we moved into our new apartment, and I wish so much I could pause time. I just want “this” for a while. I want to inhale and exhale all of it. I just spent almost an entire year hoping from one homeless shelter to another, and I want to be conscious of all of that. I want to process it fully, and see the picture come full circle. More importantly, I want to write about it, all of it, while it’s fresh, while I’m in still in the process of processing.

I bought some seeds about a week ago, and finally, my plants are spouting! That’s super exciting! It really makes me want to fill this apartment with an abundance of green!

I’ve been taking care of myself. It kind of blows my mind. Not even a month ago, I could not even get myself to eat or take a shower. I’m drinking more water, eating better, and I feel the difference. I have more energy. I can focus better. And, I’m overall, just at a peak in my productivity.

I woke up late today, but eventually got myself out of bed, made some breakfast, coffee, and started on my to-do list. I made some calls, replied to a few emails. I’m still kind of dragging ass, as it’s almost 4pm. I;m really trying to establish a 6-8 hr daily “work day” routine, so, when Thomas is at work all day, and I’m home, I am still working, I am making my own progress on the days that I am at home, and I can actually get everything done for the day before he gets home, so we can spend time together when he’s here. During that time, I’m trying to not only have 2 meals, but also exercise, clean the house, go out and run errands, and actually get through my to-do list, which includes working on Soul & Scribble (which is more or less my baby/writing blog/portfolio), my “brand” aka social media engagement, and trying to make some money with Sage Editing while I’m not working full-time, which,
BTW, if you know anyone (students, authors, business professionals…) who are in need of writing consultation, tutoring, beta-reading, proofreading, drafting, or editing services, etc., I will be taking commissions for April, with very low rates (a lot lower than what you’d find through a writing or editing service/company), and, although I am not about tooting my own horn, but, I’m just as, if not more qualified to do the same (or even better) work! So pls, your girl here is trying to bring in some cash! HELP A GIRL OUT!

I'm going to try and remember to cross-post these personal journal entries between Tumblr and DreamWidth. So, it's been about 2 weeks in the new apartment, and I'm equally feeling the pressure of maintaining these new blessings, as well as, well, making some fucking moves. I want to enjoy life, and I want to really relish in these moments, but I know that I also need to really hunker down and get into a routine. I have a goal, plan, vision, whatever you want to call it, and I need to hammer down on it, if I want to see it come into fruition. I have 3 primary focuses right now: 1.) Soul & Scribble (while the progression of Scar Tissue being the focal point) 2.) Sage Editing 3.) Landing a TA gig, or something similar. And, most importantly, establishing a daily routine that will allow me to reach peak productivity, while still providing me enough "down time" in the evenings to fully enjoy some of my hobbies and interests, such as reading, Netflix, and TESO. Instead of fully explaining everything in detail, I'm just going to kind of drop links in there for y'all to go to.
These past few days have been a roller coaster. I was offered a temp assignment on Wed., then did the new hire paperwork on Thurs. before canceling that assignment today. A few days ago I noticed my right eye was hurting, and I'm now wondering if I contracted pike eye...must be something from the mascara and eyeliner I've been wearing - I hardly ever wear any, so now I'm thinking it's this weird reaction thing. Anyhow, it also occurred to me that, with the incredibly low pay, the transportation cost, and the dress code requirements...it's not really worth it. Not for a max 2-week investment. I don't make enough to shell out that kind of money for a job that won't last the end of the March. I'm trying to make smart choices with my time and money, you know? Really way the pros and cons, and making intelligent decisions. Overall, it just didn't make enough logical sense to take that temp job.
It's not easy finding a good balance in life. I want to prioritize and do all of these things, and I know I can't do them all without being fully conscious of them -- by planning it out. I want to reintroduce yoga into my life, while also walking a mile a day, AND eat more fruits and vegetables (green smoothies, particularly). I want to grow plants. I want to read more. I want to find and maintain stable work that I actually believe will be beneficial to me in the future. All of these things take time and effort, and if I want to realistically introduce these habits into my life, I'll need to HAVE A FUCKING PLAN.

Mostly because there are some things I'm not sure I want to talk about publicly with all my followers on Tumblr. I've been emailing brokers/looking for apartments for the last few hours. It's about 3:30a and the pickings are pretty slim - this is why I NEED a broker. I spoke to my Grandma again today, and it looks like she's more or less waiting for me to open a bank. I gave her a budget that included more or less a year's worth of rent (entire lease), security deposit, broker fee, electricity/ internet activation, moving service, basic furniture to get started. AND, savings to sit on. The goal is to basically apply to anything and everything and take whatever I can get because I can always look elsewhere later. I will be a lot more stable mentally and physically once we're in an apartment. We also still have $350/m in food stamps, and if I can get my recertification done before we actually leave, then we'll probably have it for another 9-12 months. We've also been able to crowdfund a lot of stuff since we got to this shelter, so we won't have to buy clothes, blankets, cookware, etc. and that's going to save us money. Tbh, when we were in Queens (the first shelter), I was in a better environment and I wasn't as unstable. I was stable enough to actually motivate myself to go to the doctor, etc. I'm going to need to go to a dentist AND obgyn AND psychologist, and I suspect there will be follow-ups as well. It really sucks we're no longer in walking distance from that clinic - I really liked them too. I should REALLY go back, but the commute is really rough from where we are right now. It's just so hard living with depression. Every little thing is so draining. I feel drained right now, to be honest. In other news, it's really nice to hear my grandma's voice. It's very healing. I've also been helping my parents a lot lately with resumes, cover letters, applications. It never ends. My husband ALSO wants help with the same thing because he just finished a clinical psychology certification and wants to see what's out there and what he can get. I;m proud of him. Tbh, I can't believe I managed to complete TWO classes here, like, it's a shock to me. The distraction has probably been great for me. I had a few meltdowns/panic attacks for the first time here too. I miss not being depressed tho. LIKE SO FUCKING MUCH

I am probably going to start doing most of my daily journaling on Tumblr, just because it's overall a lot more simple and accessible. But, if there are things I don't want to share on there, it will probably end up here still.

As for the situation with Nicole, Rango, and Hans - I haven't talked to Rango much at all. Every time I speak to him, he more or less brings up Nicole and asks if we're still speaking. I speak to Nicole fairly regularly, but I know this relationship is going downhill. Even when the conversations aren't bad, every time we speak, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's heartbreaking, and I really don't know how to approach the situation or the problem.

6/16/17

I tried to write 2 articles today, but it just didn't happen. After trying to get started for 30-45 minutes, I figure I'm just wasting my time. Plus, if I *force it*, I'll only have to spend even more time editing. So, forget it. I'll try again this weekend. The only thing I want to do for sure before the end of the day is follow-up with MyAccount (tuition balance) and the library (fees).

Ideally, I'd like to pump out 5 more articles for Hubpages between now and the end of next week. Again, I already have the 2 planned (Benefits of Kefir and TESO: A First Look at Horns of the Reach and Clockwork City <-- time sensitive because it's a recent announcement, therefore I want it up Sunday at the latest. I've also noticed that I get the most traffic/profit from TESO articles. LMFAO.), and I have some ideas for 3 more.

I'm also going to have 16g of WiFi again starting Sunday, so I'm super excited for that. I'll be getting a lot more work done. I don't mind going to Starbucks to work, but honestly, it's already getting old. Plus, it requires me to buy something from Starbucks, and they don't have anything healthy on the menu (they have like ONE smoothie, and it's not even made w/ fresh fruit...) - not to mention everything that isn't straight black coffee costs an arm and a leg. I don't want to become dependant on caffeine again. Sigh. Even the tea is pricier than it should be, IMO. It's just water and a tea bag, why would it cost almost $3 for a small?

Last night, I picked up a sizable container of kefir and consumed it slowly over the course of 5 hours. AND HOLY SHIT, I am feeling so much better since I drank it. I would drink it every day if it were possible, but if I'm unable to drink it all, I can't store it. Not to mention, it's expensive. So, I'm going to try twice a week. I'll buy another on Sunday. This stuff works incredibly quick for stomach/digestion ailments. I've been having a lot of digestive issues since we moved here. There are so many benefits that I wasn't even aware of (that would be particularly beneficial to me - stomach problems, weak immune system/getting sick often, lactose intolerant, some sources have even suggested it's good for fertility - not to mention it's a million times better than store-bought yogurt) and it seems it's incredibly easy to make. I wish I could make it myself. Once we're settled in an apartment, or transferred someplace with a kitchen, I want to try so many things including making bone broth.

I've been really interested in ways I can improve my reproductive health with dietary changes, but haven't really executed anything until recently. I'm taking a prenatal now, with added folic acid, which is extremely important in pre-conception (because folic acid, specifically can prevent early miscarriages (1 in 4) that may have been otherwise preventable if the mother were taking a prenatal prior to getting pregnant, and/or had any kind of family planning...) And, since I already have both miscarriages and stillbirths in my family, I want to do the best I can, as early as I can, within my means, to prevent the same from happening to me.

It's recommended before, during, and after pregnancy - so more or less, if you're at breeding age, or have young children, you probably should be taking it. I am also taking 600mg of calcium each day, which is only 60% of your daily value, but I figure it's better than nothing. I'm lactose intolerant, and now that we're living here, it's even harder to get calcium into my diet.

6/14/2017

Yesterday, I was using my phone and texted out an entire Dreamwidth post before I managed to back out of the page and lose the entire thing! The only time I decide to write directly on Dreamwidth and not copy and paste my post from another word processor...sigh*

Last night, I figured out how to connect my laptop to my phone via Bluetooth so I'm going to see what I can do with this. It should be possible for me to write things up on here - upload a text doc. to my phone, copy and paste it into Dreamwidth, Hubpages, and anything else, really. I also want to see if I can do some self-advertisement (for my writing) on my phone. I've also made a commitment to myself that I'd start sharing my writing, and writing FB posts again. Or at least try and see where it goes.

I love and hate this weather. I'm sticky and want to shower, but that summer breeze is so nice. Speaking of, I think I'm going to go shower before I finish this.

That's better.

It's been about a week since my last post and the biggest accomplishment for this past week is probably the amount I've been writing. I wrote about 12 pages over the last few days. I also hella deep-cleaned this entire apartment. The one thing I like about living in a studio-size apartment is it's very easy to clean. In the future, I would probably be satisfied if we had a small kitchen with just a stove, fridge, and a sink. When we do finally move, I think I'm going to only buy a (long) table and 2 chairs, as well as a mattress. Keep it small, keep it simple, etc.

I've also been thinking quite a bit about how long we will be here, realistically. I really want to find work by myself, even if it's just a part-time job, before going back to HRA. I really do want us to have more income before we get a housing voucher. In the meantime, I'm crossing my fingers that we may possibly be transferred out. Best case scenario is we get transferred out of here and into a place with a small kitchen. Big plus if they allow us to bring internet into the unit. Of all the obstacles we currently live with, I feel that not being able to cook our own food is our biggest financial and health/wellness barrier, and it really is a basic necessity. I can really see it first hand now why the concept of "housing first" is so vital to getting people back on their feet and in a good place financially so they can actually maintain it long term.

The articles I have been writing for HubPages this week have been about building routines for creative work and unplugging from the internet. This was all inspired by a book I have been reading on my Kindle. I've actually been reading quite a bit this week! I DL-ed 10 books! Some are poetry, majority is literature. I regret not DLing more non-fiction because I haven't been in the mood for stories and stuff lately. I doubt I'll actually get through them all before the Kindle Unlimited trial expires. LOL. Anyway, reading and writing about this topic has been very insightful. I know that I often talk about trying to increase productivity, and I really do think unplugging has been a huge factor. And sadly, that includes distancing myself from Nicole as well. It's kind of sad, but I know it's necessary. At one point, I'd spend all day talking to her, and although I miss it, I know this is better for me, at least for a while, although I really do hope I can establish some better habits now while I am living here.

Here is my to-do list for the remainder of the week:
Apply for jobs more regularly (on my phone). Try different apps such as Zip Recruiter and Monster. Write up another generic cover letter and save it in my Notepad.
Email back MyAccount (tuition balance)
Get an appointment for the ultrasound for next week. I know, I'm slow on this. It's always with the stupid calls, I swear.
**Important** Help/Proofread my aunt's essay (due Sunday). I want to get it to her early. It's not very long - it's like not even 2 pages, and it does need help with grammar, sentence structure, formating, ect. (but it's not a disaster).

I might also run some errands, pick up a few things, etc. I'll probably do another small load of laundry at some point in time, but that isn't happening today because it's already late. Before that, I need to pick up more dryer sheets, though I'm considering buying liquid softener instead. I think it's most effective. Maybe. I might be wrong - depends how much a small bottle costs. I honestly should just buy a big size already, when it's on sale, because I'm doing laundry nearly once a week, and I can cut costs by not spending another $3 on detergent and softener each week (along with the $5 to wash/dry). BTW, this is actually really affordable in comparison to other places. I've spent like...$25 each time I've gone to do laundry when we used to do our own laundry. Probably helps that we're not in Manhattan. Although, I would not miss an opportunity to live there again - foolishly of me, of course. I probably shouldn't. It's too expensive.

Saturday, we (or Thomas) will probably go to Brooklyn to see his Grandma and Luna. I will suggest to pick her up another sizeable bag of cat food. On Sunday, we have another follow-up appointment with our social worker in the basement.

Thomas only has about a week and a half left of work before Summer Break. I'm not sure how long he's off, but he should probably try and find some work in the meantime. If I could find a job quick enough, he may as well just ride it out for a month, because school is back in session first of August. I personally don't think it's worth it. Money will be tight though. I do think we would be OK, though with our food stamps and a little help from my Mom for a month. If we had some money, we'd have more opportunity to enjoy the summer - and I really want to enjoy it this year. I'd like to go to the Zoo once, and also to the beach. Both are cheap outings that would cost us less than $10! I was going to suggest to Thomas that we can simply pick up drinks and a deli sandwich with our food stamps, and bring a towel. Bam. Done.

Speaking of $$$, we're going to be tighter on cash for the next two weeks (but not really, because our food stamps just popped). I got $200 in cash today, and we have $250 in food stamps. We're getting about $300 (maybe a little bit more) tomorrow. The only bill we have is our phone bill which is $75 and due Sunday. The only other big expense is food and transportation. My mom is tight on money so I can't bother her much for any. I bought some vitamins today and spent $5 for lunch. I also gave Thomas money to refill his metro card. I believe I'm already down to $160. The plan is to spend no more than $20 a day (for both of us). And, to use food stamps for AT LEAST half of our purchases. If we do that, we should be spending approx. $50-70/week with food stamps and the same amount in cash. Which is more than enough to get us through 2-weeks.

6-7-17

Matisyahu's new album is wild. There is this 10-minute song on his new album that is called "Forrest of Faith". that's real good. Spotify is great. I've been using it for years. They have such a great variety, and more and more I'm noticing they have something for everyone. I recently noticed they have spoken word, audiobooks, and the like.

So, hear this, I somehow managed to catch a wicked cold yesterday! I'm assuming that it's probably a mixture of a compromised immune system from the food poisoning last week and the weather dropping in the high 40's/ low 50's. Not to mention a lot of people pass through this building. I'm trying to take care of it/myself with hopes that it passes quickly.

In other news, so far this week I've managed to get a decent amount of stuff done. I tried to make an appointment online for the ultrasounds (as recommended) and the only response I received was to call this number. So, that was a waste of time. So, hopefully, I can get an appointment for next week Tuesday. I am still awaiting a referral to a hormone specialist. While on topic, I'm also thinking of seeing a dentist (with the same network), as well as a therapist, which I mentioned already. But, one thing at a time.

I saw the outreach/housing specialist on Tuesday, and they more or less told me that I need to go back to HRA and open a full FA case (specifically, cash assistance, which is all that we *don't* have in terms of public benefits). She wasn't really helpful :/ She basically told me to do that first then to come back, and from there, she will give me a referral to Bronx Works. (Which I have already been in communication with.) I was kind of hoping I'd be able to find a job before going back to HRA. Chances are, Thomas will have to come with me like last time, and he won't be able to take off work in the near/immediate future since he recently missed 3 days of work from the food poisoning. So, I guess we'll just have to feel it out, see where we are in a few weeks. There is just so much going on, and I really want to try and get these doctor appointments out of the way and make it a priority - one step at a time. Maybe, I'll have another job prospect, and/or, I'll be in communication with Bronx Works.

In other news, I did get some laundry done today!

And, I also did some writing too (about 1000 words). The weirdest thing happened when I was doing this in the early evening yesterday. (Which is partially why I want to see a therapist.) When I was writing a scene for Part Two of the *book* I put up on Lulu (so far, it's titled "Introduction to Shelter Life"), I had a flashback to one of our court appearances, this one was towards the end of the trial, with a very nasty female attorney who basically said to us, "I hold all the cards...you have nothing to negotiate...Basically, what I say goes." And, I remembered all this internal rage I was feeling then and it just all came back. I was literally *softly* yelling out loud, "So basically, I'm here for nothing, and this has all been a waste of time."..."Well, I'm sorry you've had a long hard day and now you're in a pissy mood, but I've had a long hard day here too, and you're getting paid to do this. What are you going to do when you get home? Put your feet up?"..."This is just a paycheck to you, but this is my life - I'm going to be homeless. And, you'll be fine. So, you can't give me all this bullshit. Are you worried about where you're going to live in the next week, or month? Are you worried about what you're going to eat? You know how much it cost us to get down here? $10. And, each time, it's been a waste of money."..."I'm genuinely curious as to how you're able to live with yourself? Do you go home and cry in the shower every night about how much a piece of shit you are?" in my room! Like, I was consumed by it. I thought I had let go, but apparently, I am still VERY mad, and I haven't moved on yet. I think, in reality, I will never be quite the same after this. I think I will always be a little angry.

ANYWAY LOL I also want to get a few more things crossed off my to-do list tonight since I have the internet on. Thomas is off tomorrow because there is no school, so I'll be able to get some things done online. I'm going to follow-up with the job and also with the school I went to - see if I can get my balance cleared and my degree released. Other than that, I'll probably mess around on Hubpages for a few minutes, and that's about it. In the next hour, I need to head downstairs and sign the bedsheet. It's kind of funny how much that requirement alone breaks my night-time routine immersion. It's like *flashing red lights* reminder! REMINDER! You live in a homeless shelter, right before I go to bed. LOL. Jesus.

Despite ALL of this, I think I'm going in the right direction. Slowly. I think progress is happening and we will make it through this.

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