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I swear as soon as I start feeling a little bit better, a little hopeful, something happens to change that. Yesterday we had our follow up doctor's appointment and although Thomas took the day off and it was a fairly relaxing day, we found out that he has diabetes - not necessarily surprising,, because literally every single person in his family has it, including his parents and siblings (his autistic sister had it at age 15), he is overweight, he grew up on a shit diet...his diet has improved, yes, but I mean, those changes are fairly recent. I found out that my colesterol is a little bit above normal - not alarming, but my doctor recommended I cut down on pork, fried foods, and anything high in sodium/salt.
It also seems like we won't have as much money to get us through the next week and a half as I'd hoped. We need to put $20 aside for Thomas to go to work next week and pick up our medications. That alone will probably cost another $40-50. We have a little over $100 in food stamps (I thought more). So our budget is probably more in the $150 range total, which is still doable, but still.
TBH I was feeling a lot better until my Dad started causing so much trouble. It has always been such a challenege trying to cope - I don't know a single person who has caused me more grief in my life than him. I used to want a relationship with him so badly and had some serious daddy issues. Now, it's like, things are so much peaceful when he is not around or mentioned. It all started w/ that Facebook post, and then him finding out that we moved out, and then him finding out that I used my Mom's credit card to top-up my phone bill with $30 a few days ago (not without her permission - she gave me the card to do it for her). I guess from there he started going through my mom's transaction history to find out what else my Mom has been spending money on/sending us (which, I don't even care... is fucking abusive and possessive asf). Who does that?
So, he's more or less just been causing both of us a lot of grief since the beginning of this week.
He ranted to me on FB messenger (and I didn't even read all of it yet), but from the bits I've seen from the alert, it's a lot of, "when are you going to support yourself", and "I'm sorry, please forgive me". Fuck him, already. I can't believe he even has the nerve to say all of this to me when we're literally living in a homeless shelter, when he doesn't support my Mom financially, and lives with her parents. And, he has the nerve to tell me that I'm being a mooch. Over 30 fucking dollars. Fuck him.
LOL mega-rant over.
In other news, I was sort of thinking a little bit about how the idea of this shelter "feeling just like a prison" - many people have said this, and I think beyond the guards and all that, I think a big portion of it really is not being able to have all of these modern privledges (cable, internet, ect.) and I think just that fact, that there is nothing to do but twiddle your fucking thumbs...kind of makes it seem like, well, it's a miserable existence barely worth living. It's more than just people accepting their fate and believing that they're, I don't know, societies "throw aways" it's probably also extremely depressing sitting in your room all day (or roaming around the streets) with no where to go, nothing to do, no money - it;s probably loney as fuck.
At this point, I really do feel like its BARELY tolerable. And it's only tolerable because I'm avoiding the shelter as much as possible. Being here, at home, alone, all day, is depressing. I really do think doing this long term would make me want to kill myself.
Shit.
