december_solstice

6-7-17

Matisyahu's new album is wild. There is this 10-minute song on his new album that is called "Forrest of Faith". that's real good. Spotify is great. I've been using it for years. They have such a great variety, and more and more I'm noticing they have something for everyone. I recently noticed they have spoken word, audiobooks, and the like.

So, hear this, I somehow managed to catch a wicked cold yesterday! I'm assuming that it's probably a mixture of a compromised immune system from the food poisoning last week and the weather dropping in the high 40's/ low 50's. Not to mention a lot of people pass through this building. I'm trying to take care of it/myself with hopes that it passes quickly.

In other news, so far this week I've managed to get a decent amount of stuff done. I tried to make an appointment online for the ultrasounds (as recommended) and the only response I received was to call this number. So, that was a waste of time. So, hopefully, I can get an appointment for next week Tuesday. I am still awaiting a referral to a hormone specialist. While on topic, I'm also thinking of seeing a dentist (with the same network), as well as a therapist, which I mentioned already. But, one thing at a time.

I saw the outreach/housing specialist on Tuesday, and they more or less told me that I need to go back to HRA and open a full FA case (specifically, cash assistance, which is all that we *don't* have in terms of public benefits). She wasn't really helpful :/ She basically told me to do that first then to come back, and from there, she will give me a referral to Bronx Works. (Which I have already been in communication with.) I was kind of hoping I'd be able to find a job before going back to HRA. Chances are, Thomas will have to come with me like last time, and he won't be able to take off work in the near/immediate future since he recently missed 3 days of work from the food poisoning. So, I guess we'll just have to feel it out, see where we are in a few weeks. There is just so much going on, and I really want to try and get these doctor appointments out of the way and make it a priority - one step at a time. Maybe, I'll have another job prospect, and/or, I'll be in communication with Bronx Works.

In other news, I did get some laundry done today!

And, I also did some writing too (about 1000 words). The weirdest thing happened when I was doing this in the early evening yesterday. (Which is partially why I want to see a therapist.) When I was writing a scene for Part Two of the *book* I put up on Lulu (so far, it's titled "Introduction to Shelter Life"), I had a flashback to one of our court appearances, this one was towards the end of the trial, with a very nasty female attorney who basically said to us, "I hold all the cards...you have nothing to negotiate...Basically, what I say goes." And, I remembered all this internal rage I was feeling then and it just all came back. I was literally *softly* yelling out loud, "So basically, I'm here for nothing, and this has all been a waste of time."..."Well, I'm sorry you've had a long hard day and now you're in a pissy mood, but I've had a long hard day here too, and you're getting paid to do this. What are you going to do when you get home? Put your feet up?"..."This is just a paycheck to you, but this is my life - I'm going to be homeless. And, you'll be fine. So, you can't give me all this bullshit. Are you worried about where you're going to live in the next week, or month? Are you worried about what you're going to eat? You know how much it cost us to get down here? $10. And, each time, it's been a waste of money."..."I'm genuinely curious as to how you're able to live with yourself? Do you go home and cry in the shower every night about how much a piece of shit you are?" in my room! Like, I was consumed by it. I thought I had let go, but apparently, I am still VERY mad, and I haven't moved on yet. I think, in reality, I will never be quite the same after this. I think I will always be a little angry.

ANYWAY LOL I also want to get a few more things crossed off my to-do list tonight since I have the internet on. Thomas is off tomorrow because there is no school, so I'll be able to get some things done online. I'm going to follow-up with the job and also with the school I went to - see if I can get my balance cleared and my degree released. Other than that, I'll probably mess around on Hubpages for a few minutes, and that's about it. In the next hour, I need to head downstairs and sign the bedsheet. It's kind of funny how much that requirement alone breaks my night-time routine immersion. It's like *flashing red lights* reminder! REMINDER! You live in a homeless shelter, right before I go to bed. LOL. Jesus.

Despite ALL of this, I think I'm going in the right direction. Slowly. I think progress is happening and we will make it through this.