(no subject)
May. 26th, 2018 01:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
december_solstice5/25
This post is probably going to be total convoluted shit-splat, but FUCK, I’m still at a loss for words so I’ll try my best.
I really think I’m entering another phase in my life. Big change is underway and I have to buckle the fuck up. As this is happening, I feel that it’s so important that I stay grounded, stay focused, and make sure I don’t float off into space. That I don’t let other areas of my life suffer, that I stay on track, that I remain disciplined. But, my entire life lead me to this point, right? So, I should be prepared. At least I think so. I just need a little grit, a little determination, just a little more bravery.
So, before I go off on a 2 hour tangent, yesterday I received a job offer from a local college. There is so much to share, but I don’t want to name names, obviously. Anonymity and all. This blog has remained fairly private/anonymous, and I really want to keep it that way, so these posts can continue to be real, unedited, unscripted blabber.
Anywho, this job is incredible. The main focus is to support educators who seek better ways to teach and serve their otherwise undeserved students - low-income, first-generation, and POC students, etc. my job is to help them implement changes in the classroom and in their curriculum.
You know, I know, we all know, it’s been such a long time coming. I thought, for a long while, that there was no hope. I’d never get back what I worked so hard for. I’d never get back into academia. I’ll never reach my goals. Think of where I was this time last year – fucking crying my asshole out in a homeless shelter with complete absence of hope. I remember pleading, bargaining even, with God, that an opportunity would present itself, something good, something good I could be part of, and I would work hard, I would make *this* my mission, if I was put in a position to.
Everything that’s happened recently, the people I’ve met, the paths that have been put in front of me, the work I’ve done, the writing, everything that’s come to me, and out of me, I can’t help but feel a divine presence in my life, guiding me. Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s my own heart, maybe it’s the Universe, maybe it’s every single person, whatever it is, it’s a bit larger than usual, a little stronger, and much more graceful.
A while ago, I deleted the blog I made for Hans, with the letters I wrote to him, and replaced it with a prayer journal. It’s all gone now. Lost. I didn’t hold on to anything. It’s a little ironic, because he was a vocal atheist who would probably laugh at me.
When I think about all of it now, after absolutely everything, it all just seems so superficial, and yet, the pain, clearly, was so great, for everyone involved. So great to create all of this destruction among us. I wish this clarity could have come to all of us then. We were hurting, almost purposelessly, in a way. I mean, did any of it really matter, I wonder. I mean it did, and it was complex in it’s own way, the pain was real, I mean there were lots of tears, but we really did purposelessly orchestrate our own pain against each other.
Now I try to figure out how I will begin this prayer journal, or if one is even needed. Isn’t this a prayer journal? Don’t I already talk to God in the quietest moments of my life? I am kind of convinced, we all talk to our own version of God.
I really want to pump out a few blog posts this weekend. Probably 3. New chap of Scar Tissue. Something for the Writer’s Corner. And, ofc, Sunday Scribbles. But for now, I think I’m just going to enjoy myself. Relax and bask in this feeling. A feeling I am unable to name. Is it awe? Deep humility? It is a new feeling.
This post is probably going to be total convoluted shit-splat, but FUCK, I’m still at a loss for words so I’ll try my best.
I really think I’m entering another phase in my life. Big change is underway and I have to buckle the fuck up. As this is happening, I feel that it’s so important that I stay grounded, stay focused, and make sure I don’t float off into space. That I don’t let other areas of my life suffer, that I stay on track, that I remain disciplined. But, my entire life lead me to this point, right? So, I should be prepared. At least I think so. I just need a little grit, a little determination, just a little more bravery.
So, before I go off on a 2 hour tangent, yesterday I received a job offer from a local college. There is so much to share, but I don’t want to name names, obviously. Anonymity and all. This blog has remained fairly private/anonymous, and I really want to keep it that way, so these posts can continue to be real, unedited, unscripted blabber.
Anywho, this job is incredible. The main focus is to support educators who seek better ways to teach and serve their otherwise undeserved students - low-income, first-generation, and POC students, etc. my job is to help them implement changes in the classroom and in their curriculum.
You know, I know, we all know, it’s been such a long time coming. I thought, for a long while, that there was no hope. I’d never get back what I worked so hard for. I’d never get back into academia. I’ll never reach my goals. Think of where I was this time last year – fucking crying my asshole out in a homeless shelter with complete absence of hope. I remember pleading, bargaining even, with God, that an opportunity would present itself, something good, something good I could be part of, and I would work hard, I would make *this* my mission, if I was put in a position to.
Everything that’s happened recently, the people I’ve met, the paths that have been put in front of me, the work I’ve done, the writing, everything that’s come to me, and out of me, I can’t help but feel a divine presence in my life, guiding me. Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s my own heart, maybe it’s the Universe, maybe it’s every single person, whatever it is, it’s a bit larger than usual, a little stronger, and much more graceful.
A while ago, I deleted the blog I made for Hans, with the letters I wrote to him, and replaced it with a prayer journal. It’s all gone now. Lost. I didn’t hold on to anything. It’s a little ironic, because he was a vocal atheist who would probably laugh at me.
When I think about all of it now, after absolutely everything, it all just seems so superficial, and yet, the pain, clearly, was so great, for everyone involved. So great to create all of this destruction among us. I wish this clarity could have come to all of us then. We were hurting, almost purposelessly, in a way. I mean, did any of it really matter, I wonder. I mean it did, and it was complex in it’s own way, the pain was real, I mean there were lots of tears, but we really did purposelessly orchestrate our own pain against each other.
Now I try to figure out how I will begin this prayer journal, or if one is even needed. Isn’t this a prayer journal? Don’t I already talk to God in the quietest moments of my life? I am kind of convinced, we all talk to our own version of God.
I really want to pump out a few blog posts this weekend. Probably 3. New chap of Scar Tissue. Something for the Writer’s Corner. And, ofc, Sunday Scribbles. But for now, I think I’m just going to enjoy myself. Relax and bask in this feeling. A feeling I am unable to name. Is it awe? Deep humility? It is a new feeling.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-26 11:53 am (UTC)I haven't heard back from this daycare yet but from all the jobs I've found so far it actually sounds the best (and now I've even started searching for jobs meant for Japanese people - unsurprizingly, I guess, due to the high status and rare availability of good English, the jobs for Japanese people pay less).
no subject
Date: 2018-05-30 07:53 am (UTC)Hey, at least you're getting interviews, and I think you'll get lucky eventually! Did you hear back yet???
no subject
Date: 2018-05-30 08:11 am (UTC)