6/23

[december_solstice]

• I’m turning 28 this summer. My 20′s are pretty much almost over. The last 3 years of my life have been a shitstorm, but I’m finally in a place where I can refocus and move forward. I really am ready to just push past all of it, you know? I really need to give myself permission to put down the baggage. I don’t want the pain anymore, and I’m kind of at a point where I am refusing to carry it.

  This weekend I learned how important it is going to be for me to take time on the weekends to really care for myself. I talk about this a lot, burning out, etc. so already do I know that I have a tendency to push a little too far. Honestly, is anyone else like this? How do you avoid it?

  For the most part, my day job isn’t all that demanding, but there is some mentally engaging work that I will be spending long periods of time doing. I basically do a lot of thinking. It sounds silly, but that’s basically what I’m doing. It’s a lot of discussion and thinking and putting concepts into action. And, I do a lot of thinking when I’m working on other stuff away from my day job too (lead writer/editor for a non-profit, personal projects/Scar Tissue, my WordPress blog etc.). I’m starting to think about the risk of mental exhaustion, and how I can avoid it in the future. Especially when I consider the fact that I plan to register for classes again soon.

  I will have to ask myself, honestly, how much is too much. How much weight can I carry? How much can I bare without it all tipping over? In the ideal universe, I’d be able to choose how much of everything I’d like to do, but that’s not how it works. On the bright side, when I don’t have any pressing large projects at work, I actually have a lot of time to work on other personal projects, which is very much the norm in an academic environment. Everyone is doing a little bit of this and that. So, when inspiration does hit, I can still hit the keyboard in the office and pump out some words.

  I’ve already been told that this job is going to be good for me (and me for the job). That’s a really nice thing to hear from your colleagues. I already feel very close to them, too. I can just see how we’re going to help each other bloom, challenge each other to grow.

  How did this happen? Honestly. I feel so blessed. Like God, like the universe, like the earth, is nurturing me, pulling me under it’s wings, teaching me to fly.

  There is so much potential in my life right now. A lot of room for good things. When I walk through the campus, I see these little quiet pockets of space, where I could potentially do work. I could write, read, etc. in these spaces, before or after my shifts, on breaks.

  Honestly there is so much to say, but I can’t say it all now, in this one post. I’m just in the right place. That’s all I can really say. I feel like I was really meant to be here. That feeling is extremely strong. All my experience, leading up to now, was meant to be. I really am meant to be where I am right now. I just can’t shake the feeling. When I speak to people. Just each moment, feels so right. I really am where I am meant to be.

  I feel so compelled to pour myself into all of this. Unravel, liquefy, all of it, and spread out, cover everything, bleed into everything. God, I probably sound like such a fucking whack-job.

  My boss, is a real character too. She recently went to a conference in Tanzania, I think it was. I might be wrong, and brought back goodies for us. She is very much herself. Does that make any sense? Apologetically. Everyone is, honestly. Everyone’s personality is so strong. They’re like beaming. U know? Like a blinding sun. These are my people. We’re going to do some great things together.

  It’s all really rubbing off on me. I’m itching to do something big. Something that’ll surprise myself. I think, all of this I’m doing now is great, but I need something bigger. And, that desire is good. I need it for the future. There will always be competition for what I want, and I’ll have to be better than a lot of people. This is kind of a shitty thing to say, but that’s the reality of academia. It’s cut throat, but I really do believe it’s one of the few instances where the context, the purpose, the end goal, is something very positive.