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december_solstice7/30 Pt. 2
I should be sleeping, or trying to sleep, but I’m being myself instead.
The one good thing that happened today is we got food stamps! Again! I haven’t had it since Dec. It popped today for $430ish. That’s a lot. I spent about $25 of it on my way home from work this evening. I actually had some restraint and purchased only what I would purchase on my cash food budget. Assuming the hole-in-the-wall produce markets in the neighborhood take EBT, that means I can also realistically afford fresh fruits and vegetables on a weekly basis. That will in turn improve my health and overall improve my mood and, well, life in general. In terms of financial Independence, it’s clearly going to make an impact. That’s a lot of money I can now save, pay down debts, or I dunno, actually buy things. Like clothes. That I still don’t have. I know how to be poor, you know? I don’t have a problem with not spending money. I can handle budgets. I just want enough financial security that if something bad happens, I can swipe my debit card. I also just want to make her life worth it, you know? I want all of this to be worth it. I want to prove that we can crawl out of the deepest pit and still build upwards. That we can build from our rubble. She built from nothing. She built from dirt. If she can build from dirt, I can certainly build from rubble.
In other news, I checked my Ovia app. I had sex on a 9.5 fertility score. I also know that I’m ovulating. It’s been 6 months since we left the shelter, and I’ve had steady periods. I’ve probably had more periods this year than I’ve had over the last 3 years. My body is actually working. Naturally. Without treatment. I didn’t think it was possible. I thought, for years, infertility was my fate, my life. I wonder if it’s my time yet. I’m afraid it’s not. I’m afraid it is. Life really is a funny thing.
7/30
Today was a rough day, but I tried to make the best of it, none the less. I got through most of this week’s to-do list. Tomorrow should be quiet. Hopefully.
I am overwhelmed with a lot of stress and anxiety about this loan. It has me thinking, wondering, pleading for God’s/the universe’s favor. We need this. We need God to be with us, just a bit further, although I hope God stays. We all need this. Not just me, but Nicole too. I really am doing my best, planning to continue to do my best, and hope it’s enough. We’re trying so hard to preserve this. We’re trying our best to rise to our potential, to our burdens, not just me, but Thomas and Nicole too. I’m personally trying to not become drained by it. God, show us mercy. We’re doing our best.
7/29 Pt. 3
I had a pretty eventful and busy weekend. On Friday, I went into the city to deposit my check, then to the SS office to apply for a replacement card. I visited the World Trade Center for the first time. I wish Thomas could have seen it. It was quite a sight to see. My phone died by the time I made it to the SS office, but it was kind of nice to walk around the city without being connected to what’s happening on my phone. As hard as it’s been these past 2 years, there is something about this city. I just love it so much. There’s nothing quite like wandering the streets of NYC.
I ran more errands yesterday and today. Primarily groceries for the week as well as snacks for my lunches. I’ve been going to D&D, a discount store, that has a lot of name brand products for well under shelf price. Most of what I bought was a little over $1, and/or around $1.50. I also picked up a few other items we needed for the house – zip-lock bags, bath soap, etc. Stopped by a few produce markets in the area and picked up some fruit. On Friday, I noticed a Chinese bakery right next to the train station that I’ve never noticed in the almost 6 months I’ve been living in the area. They sell 4-packs of these huge steamed buns for 2.75-3.75, which is a fantastic price. This is going to make Thomas happy considering he loves them. They also have this sweet spongecake with crispy pork fat sprinkled on top. It’s devilishly good. I am tempted to pick one up tomorrow. I really should make an effort to explore more. I’m sure there is still quite a bit I haven’t seen in my 5 block radius.
I realize how blessed I am. I realize how much my goals have come into fruition. The person whom I wanted to be. The life which I wanted. It’s not perfect, but it’s very in-line with my ideal.
7/29 Pt. 2
I should be getting to bed, but I really want to get some writing done. I slept like 12 hours last night, so they’ll be a few more of these tonight. I’m a little worried that IP isn’t going to be what I expected, but I made a promise to myself, and to God, that I’d see this through. I know I should, and I know this is, in a way, my responsibility. We still haven’t launched our new project, and if we don’t launch soon, I might search for another PT job and/or find another way to bring in a little extra income. I really need an extra *steady* minimum of $400ish bucks a month, and I was really hoping I could get that from IP. That doesn’t mean I will leave IP, because I won’t. It’s just heavy stuff, you know? It’s a lot. To be thinking about homelessness and systematic poverty, like, as a job. It’s painful. Draining. Too much some days. But I’ll do it regardless. I’ll rest when I need to. I’ve been taking time away from our support group because it’s become a bit too much for me lately. I’m going to be partnering with a fairly popular psychologist from Twitter and another homeless peer to publish a paper about the psychological effects of experiencing homelessness and living in a homeless shelter. Funny thing is, Thomas and I discussed doing just this while we were homeless but were too afraid. Now look - it’s happening. I also helped Arlene with her Thesis. I’m trying REALLY hard to serve people. She asked me if I’d do it, if she PayPal’d me some money. I said no money. I need money, but won’t take any from her. I know she can’t afford it. And I want her to graduate. I want her to finish this Thesis.
7/29 Pt. 1
I’m pretty sure I’ve already mentioned this a few posts ago, but I have to travel back home. My Grandmother’s health is deteriorating and will likely not be around for much longer. As you know, if it weren’t for her, I’d still be homeless. A lot of bad has happened to our family. My parents left her, literally , without a word, and cut ties with our family. Because of this, her finances, insurance, health, her end-of-life care - basically everything, is now under my care and my responsibility because my parents and my Uncle (my mother’s brother) want nothing to do with her or our family. This is very emotionally painful, not only because she is near the end of her life, but I also missed a lot while I was homeless, My family has fallen apart. For years, I have always been sort of the glue that kept us together, and when I could not do that for us, things fell apart. My Grandmother sold our family home, not for me, particularly, but if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have had the leverage to pull us out of homelessness, and I honestly can not even imagine what the alternative would be. I don’t want to say death, and I don’t like to speak about it, but I think that was that is where we were both headed. Whatever would have happened, it would have been a tragedy.
Anyway, I’ve been searching for a small loan to get get us home. I applied for a loan last week Thursday, spent over an hour working on the application, and was denied. Nicole offered to co-sign, but I don’t want to be applying for loans and have these rejections effect her credit. She is relocating next month for a promotion (WOOHOO!), and will need me to not do that to her. Considering we both are needing funds, we’re taking out a loan for us both. Please pray for us, my dear prayer warriors. We both need this to work out right now. I have asked God to guide us still, to not let us go yet, to be with us. I’ve actually started contributing to a prayer journal and will need to do some prayer and communing tonight.
7/24
One thing that I’ve learned (and tried to accept) is the fact that it really doesn’t matter how much effort you put in, how hard you work, or how good your intentions are, life, in general, is very unforgiving, and I think because of that, we should make an even bigger effort, to alleviate that burden from others. Obviously, I’ve been feeling this way for quite some time now. The whole process of evading, becoming, and recovering from homelessness has made me feel like the world doesn’t really care (or isn’t equip to care) about other people. I think, because this is true, I feel somewhat compelled to care more, to serve more.
Last night, I sent a woman $10 (that I honestly really didn’t even have to give) because she’s a homeless mom living in her car with small children. She had a difficult day of being turned away by dozens of homeless service providers and couldn’t even put food in her kid’s stomach that night, so I sent, essentially money I didn’t have, because I knew, without a doubt, it probably wouldn’t have happened otherwise. And, when I think about when this was happening to me, it just makes me sad because what she is experiencing is unavoidable and the norm. I thought to myself, you know, we all make choices, when we choose not to help, we are making a choice, and that wasn’t the choice I wanted to make last night. I didn’t want to choose to allow her kids to go to sleep hungry because they did not choose this. They did not choose hunger or homelessness – not saying their mother did, but those kids are beyond innocent and they’re suffering unjustly.
Tsu told me today that, “it’s not easy to teach someone to care”. And, he’s right. It’s probably impossible to teach someone to care, if they don’t already care. People are not only selective with their care, but I really do think, unless you’re naturally compassionate, most folks only care about what they understand or what they can relate to. If they can’t relate, if they don’t understand it, they probably aren’t/can’t be moved to caring.
A woman called me today at the office and was extremely discouraged because, more or less, everyone she was put in contact with, before me, didn’t care enough to help her. She had been transferred 10 times, and each time, to the wrong department. What she needed was registration/enrollment help, but, alas, that isn’t something I can do for her directly. I tried to get more information and take down her name so I could put her in contact with the right person, but she was so discouraged that she told me she was giving up then hung up the phone. Here’s my thing: Why work in the public sector if you’re not interested in helping people? No one likes being dismissed. Why work here if you don’t care?
7/17
Considering the amount of stuff that’s going on, and has been going on, I’m surprisingly balanced when it comes to efficiency. Balance is tricky. I want to find time to do all of these things, while also, somehow, not burning myself out. I want to be dedicated to the work I do, but I also want to live a very normal life.
So much has happened in over the span of a few short months. Recovering from homelessness has been liberating, in many ways, but also stressful and expensive. I still don’t have clothes for work, or even appropriate summer/warm weather clothes. I am literally wearing long sleeves in 100+ degree weather. But, recovery being slow, it really does feel like a fresh start. I feel similarly to how I felt when I first moved to NYC 7 years ago. Possibility. I was beginning to establish myself here. I can’t believe how far from my path I fell, and how quickly I got back on track. I didn’t suspect to be so close to what and where I wanted to be, basically, not this specifically, and not this quickly, either.
I feel like God, the universe, has sent me really good people, at a time when I really needed allies and just very loving, very positive folks. I’ve always sort of been that ally, you know? I’ve been the support system, in a lot of spaces, and I’ve realized how difficult it is when you don’t have someone like that in your life.
I’m leaving the office in about 30 minutes. I took a long extended weekend. On Saturday evening, I was feeling really under the weather. It was the first time I’ve ever felt the comfort of having sick leave from my employer, and just overall, not feeling the anxiety of missing work for a day. I work with some really fantastic people.
I know that I’ve been saying, quite regularly, that things are still hard, and they are, the process of getting back on my feet and reaching a place of stability and security is that much harder when you have nothing and have to rebuild, basically from scratch. That’s also partially why it feels like it did when I first arrived in NYC in 2011.
Now that I’m nearly settled, I have to get a flight back to Hawaii to see my Grandmother, and will need to find a loan for it. So far, I’ve gotten nothing but rejections from the applications I’ve put out. Bad credit. Low income. Not to mention, housing court and homelessness is on my record. I’m a liability. It’s applying for housing all over again, but this time, I don’t have time.
Her health is deteriorating and I’m the only person who can sort out her finances/life insurance, etc, and figure out how to care for her/what to do when/if she dies. My Mother dropped this entire thing on my head, and at such a time as this.
Time, and life in general, is not very forgiving. I’ve written, I don’t know about expensively, but I have mentioned that my parents are now completely estranged from my family. They basically up and left right after my Grandmother sold the family estate and went and bought a house on the mainland. Now she’s alone. It was a very nasty falling out. So, my Grandmother’s health/end of life is more or less my responsibility. Right now she’s staying with my uncle, but mind you, I was homeless, and she kind of fell on his doorstep with no where to go and no one to care for her, and that’s not easy – he has a life and family to take care of on his own.
So, I’ve got to make it back there, figure things out, make sure she is taken care of, while I maintain everything here, with essentially no funds to do so. MY BFF has offered to co-sign a small loan for me, but I need to find one that will allow out of state cosigners. Then I need to figure out who is going to take out the loan. My husband has better credit, not by much, but it might make a difference.
If anyone has any suggestions on getting a small loan $2000-2500, I think most have a minimum of $3000, so literally the SMALLEST loan possible, with bad credit, although possibly with a out-of-state cosigner, please let me know!
