Day 11 of January

[december_solstice]

The first 3 days of this week have done nothing but beat my ass up. Monday was rough. Tuesday was literally nothing but recovery. And, today was nothing but more beat down. I basically spent the entire day making phone calls, leaving messages, talking to different organizations on the phone, and helping Thomas with his lesson plans he will present at his 2nd job interview tomorrow. I basically been on the verge of crying consistently since Monday.

But. but. but. We made progress today. I'll probably have an appointment set up with Catholic Charities very soon (finally got a hold of the right/a real person [actually got an extension number! wowsa!] - which by the way, wasn't even available anywhere online, I needed a REFERRAL. yeah.) and have some prospects for an attorney. I called Harlem Community Law Offices and they said the next intake is next week! They told me to call back then and make sure I tell them that a stipulation is already in progress.

I'm confident that Thomas can land this job tomorrow. I think if he does, it will be very good for him (and us). That organization has awesome reviews on Glassdoor for the position he is applying for (counselor). Not only will he be moving up the ladder (hooray!), he will also be making better pay and more hours. I can't wait to shower him with well wishes before he leaves, and hopefully congratulations after.

Overall, today has been a lucky day, as ironic as that sounds. Can I even be lucky at this point? Yet, I've noticed a lot of small acts of good fortune lately. Hopefully that's a good sign.

OK - let me cut to the chase. I am literally the queen of over-writing.

In the early afternoon, my Super came up to tell us that the building manager/landlord/whatever-the-fuck-he-calls-himself was downstairs and wanted to collect something from us. That something was December's rent. Shocker - we didn't have it. This he should have known from his attorney but I suppose he isn't in communication with them. At least that's what he claims. Sounds like BS though. I think he used that as an excuse to come down here and basically create more fear and tension.

He also asked us about our employment status, and why we haven't, get this, WHY WE HAVEN'T ASKED OUR FAMILY FOR MONEY! He said we weren't trying hard enough, basically. I mean, that's questionable. Yes, we can always do more - but some days we're just trying to survive. Personally, I wish he didn't learn so much about our personal business. But of course, we told him the truth - they can't help. I've exhausted my help from my family and Thomas's entire family is on welfare. In reality, we shouldn't even be communicating with him directly without first consulting with an attorney, if at all. That's what civil court is for.

Even though I let Thomas handle it, I still feel the anxiety and anger as if he were speaking directly to me. All it does is bring back all of the fear and anxiety of each and every encounter we've had and problem we've ran into since living here. It's like 4 years of utter crap I'm reminded of all at once.

I'm really glad he went downstairs and spoke with him because I truly believe he has used me and my venerability to scare and confuse us. Every threat has NEVER materialized! He still tried to do this, of course, but thankfully Thomas held fast. He said he was considering dropping the case and calling the sheriff to evict us. Mind you, that's not how it works, and I don't think he's ignorant of how this process works - instead, I think he thinks we're ignorant enough to believe it.

I talked a little bit with my Mom tonight - I;m so grateful for her. I didn't talk to her about this, but just how I've been feeling about myself lately. We've really gotten much closer. I'm so grateful for her. She always fights so hard for me, and even though we often lose the war, it will always be enough because she gives her ALL.

Anywhoooo! It would be better to be dead!!

Comments

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

i think a lot of people would have already given up by now, you guys are really "strong" even if it might not feel like it... well, people say that about my situation too, but it's just kinda like... living. life. i dunno.

on my end, wife's has-lived-as-if-she-were-already-dead-for-50-years diabetic grandma had a fall, has been in the hospital for a while, they were thinking she was too old to be operated on and i'm not sure what happened with that but now she has blood poisoning. parents have gone on emergency leave to be with her since she'll probably die any day now, it's actually been super lucky for us because mom's so stressed out that she's been too tired to even yell at us or pick fights (dad's getting pissier and pissier by the day though) and then, well, they left for the town she's in so they can't even bother us.

class starts monday and i'll be almost TWO semesters ahead by the time it does, apparently - so i shouldn't have any worries about failing this semester and i'll be able to focus on writing those books to earn money.... i thought class went to ch 15 but it only goes to 7 and i'm currently on 13, whoohoo.

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

I try to remind myself that what we have been enduring through this process has no doubt taken a massive toll on us. Not everyday is going to be ideal or as productive as I'd like it to be, but what matters is we continue to keep doing what we can do, that we follow through on everything, and not give up. It's just been a lot of lessons learned, I guess. Starting to also realize the importance of not burning myself out. I think when I overwhelm myself, not knowing when to pull back and take a break, I only have a harder for me to recover and bounce back and it's probably overall just less productive to kill yourself like that. Just trying to overall be more aware of everything else that is going on and trying to have more balance I guess.

Yesterday was another good day. Thomas was at the second interview from like...2-5ish. Said it went really well and they'll be in contact with him first thing next week. He sent a thank you email (as I recommended) but it seems he's got this one in the bag! He met all the students, did an exam (for child abuse prevention, I believe), and is more or less all set! I found another organization that offers free legal representation in court and left a message. And, I called back Catholic Charities community services...left another message just to make sure. If I don't get any return calls for an appointment by end of Monday, we'll probably go to the nearest Homebase center Tuesday. Basically, I wanted to get as much calls and messages out during intake hours this week because it often takes these organizations at least 2 days to call back. Extremely high call volumes :/

I am sorry to hear about your wife's grandma, although I'm sure this time apart from your in-laws is a needed break. Also, that's awesome that you're so ahead! I'm like...so ready to be back in school, like FOR REALS. I think I want to find a way to make it happen for the Fall. *crosses toes*

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

also i don't really know about speaking to him out of court/whatever. i wouldn't do it, just answer with "ask my lawyer" or some shit.... he's clearly used to this stuff, he knows how to use everything against you.

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

Yeah agreed. That's the reason why I hate being caught off guard because it prevents me from being prepared to engage with him. But that's his thing, you know. That's his weapon, or whatever. Catch us unprepared and defenseless.