shelter life pt. 2
Apr. 19th, 2017 10:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
december_solsticeEvery time I talk to my Mom about what's going on in my life, she always says. ALWAYS. SAYS. to write about it. Not necessarily to publish, or for another person's eyes, but just to document life. I know for a fact that I want to start journaling more often, and I know that I want to start writing memoirs. I started a project 3 months ago that I really want to finish, but, well, writing is hard.
Even *this* is hard - just reflecting on life, gathering my thoughts, and doing it well enough to create coherent sentences.
So, we've been living in this shelter for a full 6 days, as of today. Each day, yes, it does get a little bit better. Staff become familiar, and they're overall very nice folk. We're slowly learning how to live like this, and adjust to shelter life.
Today, we submitted all the remaining documents requested for our case. We finally met with a social worker on Monday, went to the doctor yesterday (medical clearances), now we simply wait for a response from DHS. If what we submitted was enough, we stay where we are until eventually being transferred out. There are people who have been living here for a year. Our on-site case worker said things are slow here. There are a lot of factors including DHS being shitty, and there simply not being any vacancies elsewhere.
Right now, our current goals consist of getting our hands on a rental voucher. Once we have one, it will not be easy to use. From what I've learned 80% of vouchers aren't being used because landlords don't like to accept any kind of voucher (Section 8, ect.). No real surprise there. Landlords are greedy scumbags, I think we've established that fact. I've heard so many horror stories, but even with everything we've already been through, I still have hope for us. Of course, some days are hard. There is a lot of failure and shame.
I've noticed that I still wrestle with this idea that we shouldn't have let this happen as if we didn't know the outcome or that it was inevitable. We had to leave that apartment, there was no other choice, and a big part of it was completely out of our control. Nothing we could have done would change the results.
At the end of the day, life goes on, you know? This is what we;ve got and we've got to make the most of it. Not getting caught up in all of this woe-is-me is really essential to surviving it, I think.
I think finding and maintaining a sense of normality is half of it. I don't want to press pause just because of x, y, and z, you know? Because, it really is true, life goes on and in reality, the only thing that has changed is our we live in a family shelter. Nothing else stops. The world doesn't pause. We just adjust and keep on living. Beyond that, there isn't too much more to say at this point - we're doing what we need to do, we're getting on with life, and we're figuring this shit out.
I've noticed a lot of people here buddy up, but I;m not interested in all that. I'm just going to be nice, but keep to myself. Does that sound terrible? I feel like that'll only cause problems. LOL
Even *this* is hard - just reflecting on life, gathering my thoughts, and doing it well enough to create coherent sentences.
So, we've been living in this shelter for a full 6 days, as of today. Each day, yes, it does get a little bit better. Staff become familiar, and they're overall very nice folk. We're slowly learning how to live like this, and adjust to shelter life.
Today, we submitted all the remaining documents requested for our case. We finally met with a social worker on Monday, went to the doctor yesterday (medical clearances), now we simply wait for a response from DHS. If what we submitted was enough, we stay where we are until eventually being transferred out. There are people who have been living here for a year. Our on-site case worker said things are slow here. There are a lot of factors including DHS being shitty, and there simply not being any vacancies elsewhere.
Right now, our current goals consist of getting our hands on a rental voucher. Once we have one, it will not be easy to use. From what I've learned 80% of vouchers aren't being used because landlords don't like to accept any kind of voucher (Section 8, ect.). No real surprise there. Landlords are greedy scumbags, I think we've established that fact. I've heard so many horror stories, but even with everything we've already been through, I still have hope for us. Of course, some days are hard. There is a lot of failure and shame.
I've noticed that I still wrestle with this idea that we shouldn't have let this happen as if we didn't know the outcome or that it was inevitable. We had to leave that apartment, there was no other choice, and a big part of it was completely out of our control. Nothing we could have done would change the results.
At the end of the day, life goes on, you know? This is what we;ve got and we've got to make the most of it. Not getting caught up in all of this woe-is-me is really essential to surviving it, I think.
I think finding and maintaining a sense of normality is half of it. I don't want to press pause just because of x, y, and z, you know? Because, it really is true, life goes on and in reality, the only thing that has changed is our we live in a family shelter. Nothing else stops. The world doesn't pause. We just adjust and keep on living. Beyond that, there isn't too much more to say at this point - we're doing what we need to do, we're getting on with life, and we're figuring this shit out.
I've noticed a lot of people here buddy up, but I;m not interested in all that. I'm just going to be nice, but keep to myself. Does that sound terrible? I feel like that'll only cause problems. LOL
no subject
Date: 2017-04-20 11:47 am (UTC)The voucher thing seems a bit iffy to me, if there's really so many bad stories about it I'd just keep trying to get an actual job somewhere (McDonalds, wherever) and have a more secure place that you pay rent for, but it doesn't sound like you guys have much of a choice anyway. I mean, you're right, generally speaking the only place you can go from here is up — write a ton of nonsense and sell it, churn out a book a week, apply to tons of low-level jobs and hope you get one and your 500 books earn some money in the meanwhile — but you CAN actually go further down. You could really end up on the street as homeless bums somehow. Even though you're in the system now and everything, it could potentially happen...
I mean, you can even just write a book about what it's like to live in this shelter thing. Not many people ever have that experience (same as having gone to prison or some super special school), people'd read it.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-20 01:36 pm (UTC)Many people are caught up in this sort of shelter culture. I don't really know how to describe it. It's just this idea that the system is broken and no one gives a shit. Which, shit, is entirely true, but at the same time...I knew from the get go...that we all kinda gotta figure this shit out on our own, you know? Not saying we shouldn't stand up for our rights, just that, complaining and doing nothing - not educating yourself and making a solid effort to change your reality, ect. isn't going to do anything for anyone. You can't *not* help yourself because no one else will.
Just today, I heard someone mention in the elevator that they had that voucher since Jan. and they're "still looking" - Like, I don't want to be judgemental, but they gotta try harder. It's a hustle. They gotta spend a good portion of their time into this and think outside the box/be creative (ex. if what they're doing right now doesn't seem to be working...well, gotta try something different, I suppose.) Of course, I feel like a hypocrite because each day I could do more - perhaps I didn't hustle hard enough while we were still in housing court and the outcome could have been a little different (I can't really say how...). But, it doesn't matter anyway, because it's over.
Yeah, I mean the voucher is sort of a...*requirement*, part of the process of transferring out of shelter and into "independent living". You still need a job, you still need to pay rent - it's just that the government pays a portion and gives landlords incentives (like cash bonuses, ect.) The program covers your security deposit, and in some cases even pays several months up front. It even includes a broker fee - so in my mind, I think, well, I can get in touch with different non-profits that have services for doing this sort of thing...as well as local brokers...I mean, I wouldn't just be calling random apartments because someone else knows how to do this better. Problem is, no one is either thinking of this.
What I'm concerned about, honestly, is income requirements. Thomas is already fairly close to making too much to qualify as "below the poverty line". I don't know if that means we'll get kicked out of here...or we'll loose other benefits. I really can't say because, well, no one tells me shit. LOL. And, I don't trust anything I've read that's "official" either. He made like almost 1200 in the last month, and he's working over-time today, too. Like, he's KILLING IT right now! So, of course, I'm still looking for employment, but I'm trying to be VERY careful and selective - you know, making sure it's part-time only. I actually almost snagged a job working for Amazon - problem is, I don't have a stable internet connection anymore...so I can't actually do that job :/
Our on-site case worker wasn't helpful in the slightest. We have this "independent living plan", but like, it's nothing that even matters to anyone. It's things like, oh, get government benefits (did that), get your shots (did that), don't...break...rules? (not planning to LOL) Like, this has NOTHING to do with living independently. The issue here is it's a lot of waiting. Like, right now, that's all we're doing - we're waiting for DHS to give us an answer as to whether or not the information and paperwork we provided them to prove that we're actually displaced/homeless, whatever you wanna call it, is enough to move forward with our case.
And, you're completely 100% right - things could get worse. By some bullshit, we could find ourselves disqualified from living here. Like in this really TWISTED way, I feel like things are TECHNICALLY better NOW than they were, say, 6 months ago. We have food stamps, we have decent income, we have a place to live, and surprisingly enough, our basic needs are actually being met. Like, there are obvious inconveniences, like, for example, we aren't allowed to have much of anything here. Many things that would make our stay more tolerable are contraband. But, the trade off from then to now is not a bad trade. We have no kitchen, no stable internet connection, we have nothing really in general, it's hard to utilize our food stamps, and commuting is a bitch, but we're figuring it out. We're trying to get on with life, you know?
Like, we're getting to know the area. We're slowly buying a few things (a pillow, bed sheet, ect.) to make our stay more tolerable. I started a pay-as-you-go data plan to have some internet access. I found a Starbucks I can bum around at for Wifi. I found a deli where I can get some REAL food and use my food stamps to buy it. Because I mean, I can't just eat fast food every day. I'll literally die. Or at least feel like it for now.
The good thing is I do have a lot of time to read and write. That's more or less my plan for today after I apply for more jobs. What was that website you mentioned where you can publish your own stuff?
BTW, I caught up with your blog, and I'm so happy to hear about Japan! That's so exciting!!!
no subject
Date: 2017-04-20 10:28 pm (UTC)Yeah!! I'm deciding that I just can't live in this house for another 3 years, or anything like that. My wife's mental state is getting worse and worse as time goes on, she's also refusing to eat the fermented foods I make and stuff (not on principal but because she doesn't like the taste of any of them) so her stomach problems and things aren't ever getting any better, and I'm convinced that most of her problems are only due to bad stomach bacteria and stuff (they DO get better if she does eat some fermented thing or takes "bacteria pills" that her mom takes, the problem being that she needs to eat things that actually continue to breed good bacteria, instead of just things that get "washed out" like those pills). And it's getting really difficult because she's getting sooo pessimistic, she's not eating hardly anything at all, etc... and I know things would get better if she'd just eat the fermented foods I tell her to eat.
So I'm trying to just focus on "what do I want to get done", "x months from now what kind of person do I want to be"... I'm really trying hard to remind myself "do I really want to waste hours doing x or y, or do I want to do z?" and to reflect on what I did that day so I can do better the next day. I think the first step is to cut down on wasted time, and every couple days I'm reading/watching stuff on "memory techniques" to help me out there. When I go to Japan I want to make friends and get a job and not have any worries, so I'm working to make that possible now... part of that is, I need to make learning Japanese so fast/easy that I don't have to waste hours "studying" when I'm actually in Japan.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-21 03:04 am (UTC):( That really sucks about your wife. Maybe try other types of fermented foods? Kimchi sounds like a safe bet. Yogurt. You could make a soup/stew type dish with lots of veggies and other fixings w/ the kimchi maybe? I can't really think of anything else off the top of my head and I'm pretty sure you've mentioned both on your blog. LOL. Is fermented and "pickled" the same? I really like pickled green mango. Not sure if it'll do anything though.
I saw a bit on your blog about time. That's a good way to look at it. I was thinking earlier that doing a "shitty" job on several tasks is less efficient than just taking the time to fully commit to few tasks and really doing a good job. I'm so excited for your trip! Are you feeling nervous or scared?
no subject
Date: 2017-04-21 03:17 pm (UTC)After watching SO many livestream videos with "foreigners in Japan" and watching how Japanese people interact with them, and with my Japanese being pretty decent now (I'll be able to understand stuff like train announcements and well, most things, even if only in gist) I'm not worried about actually going there. I'm just worried about that I won't be able to find a job when I'm there and that I'll have to move back to this house D :
Sometimes I'm excited about it but for the most part it's too far away — the next info meeting for exchange students is in 3 days or so from now and I'm not sure if it's going to have the exact same info as what I got last time or not, but if it has more info I might get a bit more excited.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-23 09:18 pm (UTC)Wait, why anti-depressants though? I mean, is it really at the point where she can't function or force herself to do anything?
I love fish sauce! LOL I put it in my eggs.
Do you have a plan b for the possibility that you can't find work - would a student loan be out of the question. If it is possible, and it's only for 1/2 a year, you could just budget like crazy and probably make it work.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-24 06:31 am (UTC)Anyway it's not just that. You only get student loan money when you're literally studying, so I won't get any income in summer! I tried to enroll in summer classes to ensure I could keep getting money but since I haven't passed this certain Swedish proficiency exam yet, they immediately kicked me out and I'm going to have to pass the test (next month) and then specially Email all the teachers to ask if they can let me in.
Plan B is to write books. As soon as my classes are out (in 5 weeks or so) I'm going to sit down and, aside from studying Japanese, seriously work on books to sell. One's going to be a Japanese-Esperanto/English dictionary for learners that's actually GOOD (ex. shows what each kanji means + explains the logic behind what they say), and most of the words I already have the definitions written down for and can just copy-paste, so it shouldn't take all that long.
She can function, she's not actually laying around in bed all day, the dishes and laundry get done etc. The problem is... in some ways she really can't function. She's super stressed out CONSTANTLY, feels sick a lot and gets pretty paranoid (the worse she feels, the more paranoid she gets), and has stuff like huge social phobia (she tends to do stuff like simply not answer the phone, even when she knows it's a doctor - but she can talk to that doctor in person) so does things like takes an hour or two to write an Email. But based on my experience of having been on anti-depressants for years, and then (unrelated but it is what I eventually did) switching to just eating healthy, the food works a billion times better than the antidepressants.
Quitting the sugar / processed foods was a huge help but I'm also feeling myself get more and more "normal" the more (or more often) fermented foods I eat. It feels kind of like, the processed stuff gave you this problem so quitting them "stops" the problem from getting worse, but fermented foods are what's actually healing you - which fits perfectly in line with what I've read about "gut health" and your stomach bacteria controlling your moods, but it's a whole 'nother thing to actually experience it over time. It's not just physically, it's EMOTIONALLY, like you don't get angry anywhere near as fast, you can concentrate better, have tons more motivation (in the past it was like I had a mental block to doing things. Now doing something like chores is just "easy" and "not a problem"), and last but not least are more "awake" when you're awake. The more good stuff I eat the more I'm able to focus on just being productive and brush off failure, and it's just coming naturally.
And now that I'm forcing her to eat something fermented every day I keep asking her every day if she's feeling any better, and she actually is (and it's only been what, 3 days?) so things are looking up.
Oh and the unemployment office has FINALLY, MAYBE gotten her a part-time job at a local stable now, that or they'll give her an internship (basically unpaid but they'll cover your travel costs at least) at a second-hand shop, and she loves horses and also likes second-hand shops so hopefully one of those will come through. The problem now is that since we're going to Japan in probably August, they might not want to hire her just because they want a more long-term employee.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-24 09:22 pm (UTC)I think finding a summer job, if anything, seems very likely. An interesting place to start looking for work is right on campus, if they do that sort of thing. You can look into jobs in the foreign exchange/stuent or maybe the ESL dept., since you speak English.
I think that's a great plan (writing the language books). I really liked the stuff you showed me before.
Not to mention, but I've also heard mostly bad things from those who take anti-depressants. Unless you're seriously emotionally and mentally crippled (meaning you can't even get out of bed), it probably can do a lot more harm than good - and I always feel like it's best to find other alternatives first.
The paranoia and phobias sound a bit like anxiety. Usually, though, it has a root cause as to why she is fearful of those things.
Maybe she could try keeping a journal? I used to keep track of my mental wellness - like from a scale of 1-10 how much I actually wanted to die that day, for example. LOL. And then try to find patterns in behavior (anything from, like you said, diet, to excerise, to..well anything..conflicts blahblahs)
I hope she gets that job! As much as we need jobs to survive, I always believed that the type of job we have/type of work we do can REALLY make a huge impact on our overall quality of life (self-esteem, how we feel about ourselves, how we cope with shit, ect.)
no subject
Date: 2017-04-24 11:15 pm (UTC)Yeah I'll most likely only be there for a semester and I'm leaving in August so no summer jobs, unfortunately. I'll ask around for ESL stuff but I heard that Sendai doesn't have much work in general (how true this is, and how true it's just "Japanese people are too picky about which jobs they get", I don't know) but I'll look in other towns and ask people too...
Paranoia "has" causes but the real reason is often that your body is so sick (without you realizing it) that it's making your mind sick as well. By far most people who get panic attacks actually get them just a few hours, or the next day or two, after they've eaten shit food (usually sugar / caffeine) and they don't even realize it, for example. It's the same for stress. You might have, logically, every reason to be stressed but the fact is, a sick body handles stress nowhere near as good as a healthy one; stuff like junk food preoccupies your body (battling the "poison") so you can't think or react properly to the same events anymore. Paranoia is the same. Who's paranoid? People struck by sudden, irrational fears; people constantly thinking of previous bad events. That stuff, along with things like focusing on your mistakes instead of your successes, happens to you WAY more often and uncontrollably when you eat shit food. Basically I'm coming to terms with (through both reading and self-experimenting) that our emotions aren't actually ours, they're mostly controlled by what we eat : /
Unfortunately no one ever believes stuff like this because 99% of people refuse to stop eating the bad food and see it for themselves. They just go "no, I'm sad because my life sucks, that won't change". Yeah my life really sucks too BUT if I don't eat ANY bad food, if I'm eating fermented foods every day on top of that, then suddenly it doesn't get to me anywhere near as much and I switch from pessimistic/hopeless to optimistic/hopeful. And I'm actually happy during the day.
I keep telling her to keep a food journal but she just refuses...
Yeah, it seems like no one else wants the stable job so far so as long as they're fine with her only being able to work for a few months, she should be able to get it!
no subject
Date: 2017-04-24 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-21 03:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-23 09:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-24 06:11 am (UTC)one big problem with this stuff is that if you look at english-speaking cultures, none of them do any of this anymore. they DON'T ferment foods. the only real fermented foods we "all" eat that i can think of is sauerkraut, pickles or soy sauce and then we probably buy it at the store where it's not much good anyway.
so when you search online in english you can hardly find any info on how to do it (unless it's from people from other countries) and 99% of them are saying "wow i thought this was so gross and impossible so i didn't do it for a long time!" as well as "it can be SO DANGEROUS, sterilize EVERYTHING SUPER WELL, wear gloves" etc (protip: no one in the world sterilizes anywhere near as much as americans do, it's completely unnecessary) or you find a lot of wrong/bad info. oh and they all say to do stuff like "you need to put in this and that and tons of sugar", no you don't need that either...
like, i search for fermenting meat and all i can find is how to make sausage, apparently no one's fermenting fish despite that fermented fish is probably the most-fermented meat in the world... or just now i was searching for how to tell if fermented fish for fish sauce is bad, and if tomato sauce is supposed to separate when fermenting (couldn't find an answer to either!) and found a site full of absolutely wrong info (one of those "raw food" sites claiming fermented foods are LESS healthy than "raw" foods - most fermented foods actually haven't been cooked btw... luckily the comments are full of shocked people giving the correct info, but i bet a lot of people don't even read comments)
meanwhile if i search in swedish i find a ton of people talking about/showing pictures of how they're fermenting stuff in their garages and whatnot but usually no real instructions, and if i search in japanese i find instructions super fast (buuut i can't exactly understand them perfectly). this kind of stuff makes me mad because people are always going "i want to learn english, it must have the best / most info" uhh definitely not. maybe, possibly for science and technology but certainly not for any subject that requires "making" stuff such as sewing, cooking, woodworking.... and nothing that requires cultural accuracy in any way (english doesn't even have correct info on vikings. or on modern-day countries).
no subject
Date: 2017-04-24 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-23 09:24 pm (UTC)Yeah, it's rough - I mean the small problems probably seem very big and if you can find a way to relieve some of the problems, like her tummy troubles, she should really feel significantly better.
I'm really trying to get in a groove too - make changes, ect. and overall try to find a method of organization that works for me. Especially now, with all these changes, and having quite a bit of time on my hands to write and do other things. I don't currently have a planner on hand, and although I planned to start bullet journaling, it feels like such a huge time investment setting it up.