Forever friends

I asked my BFF a little bit ago if she had seen an article I tagged her in on FB about Buddhism marriages. The article really spoke to me because it reminded me a lot about the dynamics in my marriage. This is the article, and the part I wanted to share with her,

"So I say this: I don’t just want to love a woman who loves me. That’s a good start: half the battle.

But the whole battle—love is war—is if she looks at me and says, “go free, do your thing, and in return I want to be able to go free, and do my thing, and your thing and my thing may be totally different, you might travel, I might travel, you might want to work instead of having dinner and I might want to work instead of having dinner…”

When I find a girl who loves what the whole point of life is…

    “And while I’m here I’ll do the work. And what’s the work? To ease the pain of living — everything else, drunken dumbshow” – Allen Ginsberg

…more than our marriage, well I’m ready to get married.

Until then, spare me your expectations. You don’t have rights to me. I have one short life to live and I’ve been given a ton—and I enjoy nothing more than working night and day to create something that can give back.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said,

    “the only joy in this hard life is serving others.”

When I fall in love, truly, our love will help one another to face outward, not merely inward."

Keep in mind, she hasn't looked at the article, and really, it wasn't the contents of it that mattered - it was her response. She said, "congratulations", which felt like the absolute most condescending, most patronizing thing she could say. "Congratulations that you feel validated. Congratulations on the dynamics of your relationship." I was not boasting, you know? Just sharing how interesting it was to discover what I had read/learned.

Usually, I would not call her out on her shitty attitude, but I did. I told her that she was being patronizing, and she admitted that what she said was definitely meant to be patronizing.

I told her I'm just going to drop it. She said, "drop what?".

This friendship is really in the ruins. I don't think I'm going to want to be around her anymore if she doesn't change her attitude. Why would you want to be around someone who is always a negative Nancy. But it's more than that, you know? We all go through shit, it doesn't mean you have to be a bitch to others.

I mean SHIT, life's been giving me lemons, but you don't see me squirting it in other people's eyes!

Lately, I've been speaking to her a bit more about what I've been up to - my job prospects, goals, projects  more or less, a lot of what I've been writing about on LJ, and perhaps she did not receive it well. Perhaps she's tired or uninterested in my life. Which is quite sad considering we usually talk about her life and her problems. So, if the few times I share my life with her...she doesn't want to hear it...then what does that really tell me? That this friendship is becoming more and more 1-sided as time goes on.

I honestly don't know what to do about it. I don't want to see it evaporate, but I also don't know if it's worth it if she's unwilling to meet me half way. If she isn't willing to even meet me 1/4 of the way, it's just an indication that she doesn't have much care or consideration for me.

I have such a hard time keeping friends. I don't want this one to end.

Coal

Taking a break from Coal. Obviously, I don't want to sever our friendship, and really, that's the last thing I want to do. I just want to give myself some space. I really need to focus on my own healing and recovery. No matter how I look at it, she is too much of a distraction. Perhaps she will realize how unpleasant she is to be around and change her attitude. Knowing her though, she probably won't.

I just found out that you can simply add people to your "Restricted" list, and/or unfollow their posts and activity, as well as block their messages on Messenger. Instead of unfriending someone, blocking someone, or deactivating your account, you can do this instead.