Forever friends

[december_solstice]

I asked my BFF a little bit ago if she had seen an article I tagged her in on FB about Buddhism marriages. The article really spoke to me because it reminded me a lot about the dynamics in my marriage. This is the article, and the part I wanted to share with her,

"So I say this: I don’t just want to love a woman who loves me. That’s a good start: half the battle.

But the whole battle—love is war—is if she looks at me and says, “go free, do your thing, and in return I want to be able to go free, and do my thing, and your thing and my thing may be totally different, you might travel, I might travel, you might want to work instead of having dinner and I might want to work instead of having dinner…”

When I find a girl who loves what the whole point of life is…

    “And while I’m here I’ll do the work. And what’s the work? To ease the pain of living — everything else, drunken dumbshow” – Allen Ginsberg

…more than our marriage, well I’m ready to get married.

Until then, spare me your expectations. You don’t have rights to me. I have one short life to live and I’ve been given a ton—and I enjoy nothing more than working night and day to create something that can give back.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said,

    “the only joy in this hard life is serving others.”

When I fall in love, truly, our love will help one another to face outward, not merely inward."

Keep in mind, she hasn't looked at the article, and really, it wasn't the contents of it that mattered - it was her response. She said, "congratulations", which felt like the absolute most condescending, most patronizing thing she could say. "Congratulations that you feel validated. Congratulations on the dynamics of your relationship." I was not boasting, you know? Just sharing how interesting it was to discover what I had read/learned.

Usually, I would not call her out on her shitty attitude, but I did. I told her that she was being patronizing, and she admitted that what she said was definitely meant to be patronizing.

I told her I'm just going to drop it. She said, "drop what?".

This friendship is really in the ruins. I don't think I'm going to want to be around her anymore if she doesn't change her attitude. Why would you want to be around someone who is always a negative Nancy. But it's more than that, you know? We all go through shit, it doesn't mean you have to be a bitch to others.

I mean SHIT, life's been giving me lemons, but you don't see me squirting it in other people's eyes!

Lately, I've been speaking to her a bit more about what I've been up to - my job prospects, goals, projects  more or less, a lot of what I've been writing about on LJ, and perhaps she did not receive it well. Perhaps she's tired or uninterested in my life. Which is quite sad considering we usually talk about her life and her problems. So, if the few times I share my life with her...she doesn't want to hear it...then what does that really tell me? That this friendship is becoming more and more 1-sided as time goes on.

I honestly don't know what to do about it. I don't want to see it evaporate, but I also don't know if it's worth it if she's unwilling to meet me half way. If she isn't willing to even meet me 1/4 of the way, it's just an indication that she doesn't have much care or consideration for me.

I have such a hard time keeping friends. I don't want this one to end.

Comments

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

You only have a hard time keeping friends because most people (in the US at least) are shit and crazy.

I mean, if for example 90% of the population is basically suffering from mental problems or PTSD or something, also eating shit food and not taking care of themselves in general (ex. not going outside and exercising), then they consume this culture that says "it's all about ME"... you end up with a lot of shitty, crazy, weird, depressed, mentally ill etc people. I mean, nowadays it's more common to hear "my life sucks and I have mental/physical problems" than otherwise, but what doesn't show is that most of these people have way more problems than it first seems. And you're also expected to befriend these people.

But yeah, she sounds like she was being super rude.

An example of what I'm talking about... I was trying to offer help to some lady here on LJ about language-learning and it's like she's constantly misreading what I'm saying. I said, I can give you tips to learn faster, she says "but I only want to learn ONE language" (I said nothing about multiple languages), I give her one piece of advice anyway since she seems "confused" and say, oh you should learn these kinds of words first, and she replies with "my textbook doesn't get into vocabulary until after the first few chapters" (I said nothing about following a textbook - in fact I didn't think she even had one). These are the so-called normal people, they can't even comprehend what you wrote or said to them and now you're expected to befriend them......

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

For real though. I mean, I definitely seem to attract the crazies, and I always have.

For the longest time I thought it was because it was familiar (because that's what I experienced at home, with my Dad). My Dad was bat-shit crazy! He used to tell me, "if I could get away with it, I would kill your grandparents", always say things like, "the only reason I haven't taken my life is because of you." I mean, who wants that kind of guilt at age 12? Super religious. He held premarital sex over my head for like a decade. Called me a whore, tainted, and basically thinks my relationship with Thomas is based on sin. Doesn't trust psychiatrists. LOL.

He would come in my room late at night and basically spoon me. LEGIT! Then when I entered adulthood, I developed attachment issues. I know...

I wanted a NOMRAL relationship with my Dad, but I couldn't have one, because he wasn't normal. And it took me years to let go. When I left Hawaii, he would'\t even look at me at the airport. It was a disaster and I hated him for ignoring me like that. I mean, it's amazing I haven't lost my marbles!

Eventually I realized that what was happing was a power struggle. It's like any father having issues w/ letting their "little girl" go...he didn't like that I was dating at 15, you know? (I still think that's psychotic in it's own right...to be attached to the prepubescent stage), but put PTSD and Depression on that and you got my father.

These days though, it's like the odds are so severely against us...if you wanna build real connections...forget it. Everyone is literally shit. Just look at American pop culture. It's a lot about being self-absorbed, thinking you're the shit, being sassy, "boy, bye!"...just think of every Beyonce song. LOL. These songs are suppose to be "empowering", but people don't realize the message is literally...empowerment at the expense of others. You can love yourself and put yourself first without being rude. Without stepping on other people. "I want you to be happy and succeed regardless of how I'm doing."

A lot of people are like that - the girl you described. Even my BFF. She pretends to be oblivious. I wish I could tell her "don't play dumb",..but I can't tell if she is being genuine or not...I don't know if she's actually that bright. Like, I'm telling you, she seemed so different before. A lot of people do. I'm wondering if it's me or them. It seems that a lot of my friends are now airheads. It's not impossible that drugs, food, lifestyle are making them stupid.

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

Damn your dad is weird and creepy... but I also think you have tot have -something- wrong with you to be so super religious as well. I mean, religion is fine but when you start getting nitpicky and/or obsessive.....

I've also wondered if it's because it's what I'm used to, but now I feel like maybe it's just that way more of the world is crazy than I ever realized before.

My family didn't have issues with letting me go, or if they did they didn't show it.

Yeah, group culture makes you change you ways too. I've seen some good, smart people go down the path of airheaded, easily-offended hell after just 2-3 years of having different friends...

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

Haha, my dad is totally weird and creepy! The best way I can describe it...is being trapped in his world. He built this world for us, and I was a main character in his story. It wasn't until I was able to really escape and think about it, that I started understanding him better. Even when I saw a psychiatrist as a child...that shit didn't make sense to me. A lot of his "quirks" stem from his own abandonment issues as a child. His parents split when he was very young. His Mom left in the middle of the night one day, and his Dad raised him. He was extremely mentally and physically abusive (according to the stories.) And, I don't doubt them. However, I do think those feelings...and those actions...were severely exaggerated as his pain and hate festered.

He 'found God' soon after he rejected a psychiatrist. I think it's pretty normal for people to be religious, and I know that in a lot of ways, it gives them hope and strength, assurance, ect. when they have none. Personally, I think a lot of it stems from our fear of death. Problem is...once you start imposing that on others...using it as a crunch or tool for unethical behavior...we got an issue here.

I agree that the world really is shittier than we think it is. I am quite an optimist (I believe in the process of growth and change. Ideas turning into concepts turning into actions), and it really keeps my head on straight, but I am also fully aware of how fucked up the world is, but I don't think it's entirely bleak. I think shifts can occur, but it's very complex and complicated. Intersectionality, you know? Everything bad is related.

I would not doubt your family misses you and cherishes the past, but letting people go is part of life.

I agree on your thoughts about group culture. There is no greater influence than your peers...your friends...whoever you keep close.

There is a common message that goes: "It's up to you whether or not you let someone bring you down", and I think that's absolute crap. Sure, it's a common message, but it's stupid. Constantly receiving shitty energy? It will penetrate you in some way. I mean that's common sense. We are who we associate with. Most people are quite fluid. Can be influenced. You wanna be great? Surround yourself by great people. At the very least, don't surround yourself by shitty people. This doesn't mean you're weak; this means you're SMART.

I've always been a loner LOL I mean, I have friends, but even in a group setting, I never truly belonged. It's hard to describe. I don't often feel truly connected or included, I've always stood alone.

But I never found that to be a bad thing, you know? I have never suffered from a need to fit in. I don't necessary think it's a flaw.

Even in my marriage, I don't feel like we're 2 halves...making a whole Lol We're lovers, friends...allies.

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

I've always been the "outsider", it just stemmed from when I was born (due to my bad eyesight) and only grew from there. At this point there's no escape for me - it's either, find a community where there is no standard so everyone is just as normal as each other (ex. esperanto-land) or give up.

I feel like the gap between me and normal people grows every year (especially the longer I'm unemployed and the more I live with crazy people!) but in some other ways it's closing...

Starting at around age 23, after some life changes getting me to where I wanted to be basically, I became a LOT more empathetic to people and even sympathetic (like, now I actually tear up when watching movies, which never happened in my life before). I had a ton of times growing up where people told me I must have been emotionally stunted, or girlfriends told me I wasn't "open enough with my feelings", etc, and I just thought everyone else was overly emotional (which they usually ARE, especially in the US), but now I actually get how real human emotions work. Well, not all the emotions, but I'm getting there.

And now I have some "adult" interests, meaning languages, nutrition and ranting about how the world is shitty, and traditional items of many kinds, whereas before I was really only interested in Japan (and later on, Iceland). I really don't think having paid bills and lived on your own is what makes people see you as an adult, I think it's all about having multiple "adult interests".... which I think is stupid. Unless you're autistic, eventually one way or another your single interest will turn into multiple and then those will also split...

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

I totally feel the same way tbh (that the gap between me and normal people is only getting bigger). And, it's kinda funny in a way because...even expressing "difference" - "I'm not like other guys. I'm not like other girls. I'm a nerd. I'm different. Hur hur. LOL. YOU'RE BASIC, GET ON MY LEVEL." LOL. Is SO COMMON among young people now. Everyone wants to be different, edgy and quirky, you know? But when you're REALLY different, like 100%... can barely relate to other "normal people", it's rough. For the longest time, I've felt super unrelatable. I can't connect with anyone on a deeper, more meaningful, more rewarding level.

Being an adult is so much more complex than just living on your own and being financially responsible for yourself. It is in part about how you engage and connect with other people and the world. Though, I think when it comes to that part of it (paying bills, ect.)...it's not necessarily the bills, because honestly, it's not hard to pay a bill. LOL. Especially now...everything has online bill pay. XD. A lot of it is learning how to problem solve by yourself. Tons of it is about facing adversity without the safety net of family and not being able to trust anyone but yourself. Btw, I think it's super important to have someone who you can go to that you know will have your back always.

Living alone has been significant for me. It strengthened my marriage so much. My life has been equally better and more difficult since that point. Many of the problems I deal with on a day-to-day basis would literally NOT OCCUR if I lived with family. And, I know it's significant because when I try to work through problems with my parents, even they cannot relate because they have never lived alone. Like this housing and landlord problem, for example. Homeless prevention. They don't have to worry about stuff like that and they are more or less never at risk of homelessness or starvation because the entire family lives together under one roof and my grandparents have laid the foundation. They worked very hard to secure the life of their kids.

In terms of the emotions, that's pretty interesting. I think what's interesting is that...there is a widely accepted opinion that men are just withdrawn emotionally. Imo, I also think Americans are very emotional. And, honestly, that isn't necessarily a bad thing, the big issue is the fact that Americans are kind of infamous for acting out on emotions. Not knowing how to control themselves. Hearing stories in the news of women chopping the dicks off of their partners. Keying cars. Being overly territorial about their partners. All of which I think is completely unacceptable behavior...regardless of how emotional you are at the time. There are TV shows just for things like this too where they "catch the cheater". YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER! LOL! All the emotionally driven drama. Maury. Jerry Springer. Dr. Phil. Ect. ect. For real though, that shit isn't normal. LOL. With all that aside, it's great you're better understanding your emotions. I am too. I'm really fascinated in my own human experience. The things I go through. The way I feel. How I overcome obstacles. It's interesting to me.

Honestly, the only real communities I've been able to really make a place in is gaming or geek communities. Like, I really enjoy the community of a guild, for example. Even in high school, I somehow managed to end up with geeky gamer type people. (Even before I was gaming.) Those people did not judge, and I liked that about them. Even if I wasn't really into the same stuff (anime and games).

I do think that being an outcast early in life really paves a path for it later too. I was a loner and bullied through-out elementary school for being haole which I think I mentioned before...maybe. Heck, I'm biracial (multiracial technically) but that didn't matter, you know? I looked like the same people who colonized and raped their Queen. I looked like a tourist. I looked like the same people who came to Hawaii in droves, destroyed the land, and drove the housing market into the ground.

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

That kind of alienation has more or less followed me my entire life until I moved. On one end, you are bullied, and you hate your bully, right? So it made me very prejudice. But on the other hand, my bully was ALSO me. I am also Hawaiian and Filipino and Chinese. It is easy to develop self-hatred in that way. Even in my own home, there was a racial war going on between my father and his in-laws. (When my husband entered that environment...it was even more bizarre, because my grandpa was prejudiced against black people. HOWEVER, he is half PR...and identifies mostly as PR because there was only a PR parent in his household. So he was also alienated by his own race, that he didn't even really understand...) So, I was taught to hate my grandparent\s because they were Hawaiian and Filipino and Chinese...but by doing that, I was also hating myself.

I said a lot more about that than I meant to. LOL.