Being poor and stuff

7.17.16

I hate the tension in the house when we are low on money/very close to broke. Last week was very tense because we had very little money to last until mid-day Fri. I can feel the uncertainty. I mean it was fucking screaming at me. And honestly, it breaks my heart. Does he think we cannot make it? For me, I believe we can. I love him. I love our life. I love the journey. I love it all. Even if it's fucking hard.

I'm kind of at this point where I know we can make it work. I know I can happily survive on a carton of eggs and corn tortillas IF THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO. LOL. I can eat beans for 7 days IF I GOTTA. LOL. I won't cry about it. I'll just add sriracha. LOL. (And, I really think that's progress. I'm overcoming anxiety, I'm getting over myself - accepting what I cannot change, and learning how to trust that things will work themselves out because they ALWAYS do (if you don't give up and continue to work towards change)).

I think he feels guilt, if anything, for "allowing" this. That shouldn't be the case. This is just how life is right now and we will make it. One of the perks of being married IS having someone to share life's ridiculous burdens with. Right? Heck, it's nice to have someone to share it with. LOL.

I feel the universe has been throwing us a shit ton of curve balls over the last few years. However, we've also been making interesting progress in many different areas of our lives. I really want us to not lose sight of our individual goals and aspirations. I know that in a lot of ways, especially for him, and now, for me too, these goals seem so far out of reach that it's not even worth really working on them. I feel like if anything, I've been the one who has been really losing sight of what's important and what I'm trying to do in my life.

I've been talking a lot about working on my writing, and well, not a lot of writing is getting done. Heck, none is getting done at all, and I'm starting to feel disappointed in myself. I think I've been feeling so beat up by life and spending more time trying to escape and less time pushing through it. Fuck. The logical thing to do would be to USE THAT as content, as inspiration, for my writing. I like to think I'm a logical and sensible person. Never when it actually matters though. LOL.