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december_solsticeSince my early teens, nightmares and anxiety-stricken dreams have been a norm for me. It started more than a decade ago. Before puberty even hit, I'd have recurring dreams about being stuck on an escalator. Every morning I'd wake up stressed and anxious.
As a teen, they became a lot more violent. In my early adulthood, around age 18, I had a dream of me taking a gun and shooting my newborn in the face. If I can recall correctly, immediately after birth. By the way, I did not have a child. I've never had children. I don't have children now. In my previous posts (and in the comments), I had briefly mentioned that I struggle with infertility. More specifically, I cannot ovulate.
Is it safe to associate depression with nightmares? As a teen, I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder). It is also important to mention that mental illness runs quite deep in my family. My father is bipolar and has PTSD and OCD. I can have OCD-like behavior under stress. An example would be when someone tried to break into our apartment earlier this year. I check the front door several times an evening -- sometimes 2-3 times in a row (...get up, go check the door, go back to bed...get back up and do it again.)
Last night I had a dream that left me anxious and stressed. It was a nightmare all in itself. I had a dream that my marriage fell apart. It was pathetic, to say the least. We appeared very shallow in personality -- fighting over petty things. The focus of our fight was on sexual performance which is kind of...well...pathetic! We complained to each other about not preforming to the standard and also becoming unattractive to each other. (Isn't that pathetic?) I know I keep using that word, but it best describes how I feel about it. I woke up sad and feeling...PATHETIC.
We have a relatively fulfilling and fun sex life -- even for a couple who has been rocking the bedpost for nearly 12 years. I could probably have more sex, but not in a way that...I harbor feelings about it. Or, even think about it. Personally, I don't hold such value to sex and I don't suffer when I don't have it. But, at the same time, I also recognize that I have a pretty active sex-drive, and I could have some unconscious thoughts about it. I am also going through hormonal changes as a result of my reproductive health.
Any clue as to why I have regular nightmares and dreams that cause anxiety and/or what could have possibly encouraged the dream I had last night about my marriage?
As a teen, they became a lot more violent. In my early adulthood, around age 18, I had a dream of me taking a gun and shooting my newborn in the face. If I can recall correctly, immediately after birth. By the way, I did not have a child. I've never had children. I don't have children now. In my previous posts (and in the comments), I had briefly mentioned that I struggle with infertility. More specifically, I cannot ovulate.
Is it safe to associate depression with nightmares? As a teen, I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder). It is also important to mention that mental illness runs quite deep in my family. My father is bipolar and has PTSD and OCD. I can have OCD-like behavior under stress. An example would be when someone tried to break into our apartment earlier this year. I check the front door several times an evening -- sometimes 2-3 times in a row (...get up, go check the door, go back to bed...get back up and do it again.)
Last night I had a dream that left me anxious and stressed. It was a nightmare all in itself. I had a dream that my marriage fell apart. It was pathetic, to say the least. We appeared very shallow in personality -- fighting over petty things. The focus of our fight was on sexual performance which is kind of...well...pathetic! We complained to each other about not preforming to the standard and also becoming unattractive to each other. (Isn't that pathetic?) I know I keep using that word, but it best describes how I feel about it. I woke up sad and feeling...PATHETIC.
We have a relatively fulfilling and fun sex life -- even for a couple who has been rocking the bedpost for nearly 12 years. I could probably have more sex, but not in a way that...I harbor feelings about it. Or, even think about it. Personally, I don't hold such value to sex and I don't suffer when I don't have it. But, at the same time, I also recognize that I have a pretty active sex-drive, and I could have some unconscious thoughts about it. I am also going through hormonal changes as a result of my reproductive health.
Any clue as to why I have regular nightmares and dreams that cause anxiety and/or what could have possibly encouraged the dream I had last night about my marriage?
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no subject
Date: 2015-09-15 10:13 pm (UTC)Now, even if I have a "bad dream" it's not a nightmare and it can barely be classified as being bad, more like uncomfortable, ex. I'm sent back into high school and can't remember my class schedule or locker combo and have to fake everything and make it through somehow, but there's no real feeling of fear like there would be in a nightmare.
I think that dreams about sex, blood, the human body in general can be loosely connected to random other fears or problems. Ex. if you dream about bleeding everywhere and then wading through a roomfull of your own blood, that can just be linked to your everyday general lack of privacy or your hate for yourself (blood everywhere = everyone can see your innermost "secrets") lol. Though once I had a dream that my best friend "didn't love me anymore", and then a year later it turned out that did begin to hate me thanks to his girlfriend who hated me...
Just guessing based on my diet change, but I think that when your body has stuff to work through (poison food) and so does your mind (stress), your body can't handle both at once and so it develops into things like sleeping problems and nightmares. My general life situation has gotten a bit better since I quit eating that stuff in some ways, but in other ways it's gotten even worse, so I don't think it has anything to do with my stress level actually changing.
My wife, after having sugar in the evening, always ends up with a panicky feeling that night or the next night and is unable to sleep because she feels like "if she falls asleep she'll die". After I started paying attention to sugar for my own diet, I started noticing it in her, and I had to tell her about it several times before she started believing me... Now she's quit eating white flour completely but hasn't yet completely quit eating sugar.
As for writing down dreams, I did it for a long while just because I though if I wrote enough of them down I could publish a book with them, or I could use them as some sort of fanfic fodder. It was good but then I got too lazy (and also, writing down similar nightmares over and over gets pretty boring).
no subject
Date: 2015-09-16 05:53 am (UTC)Diet and depression (and other mental illnesses) are linked in one way or another. Think of eating disorders, for example! Some people eat their way through depression, so it can turn into a vicious cycle reallll, especially if your diet was poor to begin with. I binge when I'm depressed. I also don't eat at all when I'm depressed.
My emotions greatly effect my eating habits, even if they are usually healthy.
Also, what about those with indulgent personalities? (Like me Lol) Quite common.
It's why I steer clear from alcohol and drugs. I could smoke myself incoherent and take dayssss to come down. Escapism and chasing the "feel good" through food, drugs, alcohol or sex is due to stress is probably the creator of the party lifestyle. (Those who get wasted every weekend to escape their 9-5.)
no subject
Date: 2015-09-18 12:39 am (UTC)When I'm stressed, focused or depressed I don't eat. It's not intentional, but my appetite just completely disappears. It seems like my wife is the opposite and eats when she feels worried or something, which isn't something I knew until veeeery recently but it certainly helps to explain why she's "never been able to lose weight".
In both cases with us I think it stems from upbringing. Among other things, I wasn't taught that it was bad to skip meals ("If you don't like what's for dinner, don't eat" "Okay") and both me and my brother did stuff like skipped lunch at school in order to save the lunch money because we didn't get an allowance. Meanwhile my wife's mom and grandma both eat to comfort themselves, and in general in Sweden "good food being one of life's few joys" plays a huge part in their culture... And her family never tried to stop her from doing obvious self-harm or even from making herself throw up (she didn't hide these things).
I easily fall into escapism and get addicted to the computer, the end result is that I feel like I'm not really life or that I'd rather just be a piece of wallpaper so that no one talks to me. I don't want to be this way! I've been hoping for years that I'm just at a temporary point in my life and that whenever I get a job and have enough money to do stuff, I'll break away from things like the internet a whole lot more and just be alive for a while.... If we can at least move out of my wife's parents' place then we'll both be a lot less depressed and hopefully that will help in some ways.
no subject
Date: 2015-09-18 01:23 am (UTC)Honestly, I do the same thing. When I'm feeling like I'm doing nothing with my life, I binge watch Netflix and play Elder Scrolls Online D:
But I realize that there is more to life than jobs and the how much money I make. I realize that this is temporary and that this is normal. Especially for young people. It is so common for people in their 20's to live with their families. In fact, I think majority do now-a-days.
Who knows, you could be a Youtube star! hah
no subject
Date: 2015-09-18 12:34 pm (UTC)I've thought about making youtube videos but it takes so much time even just to edit them!