Day 11 of January

The first 3 days of this week have done nothing but beat my ass up. Monday was rough. Tuesday was literally nothing but recovery. And, today was nothing but more beat down. I basically spent the entire day making phone calls, leaving messages, talking to different organizations on the phone, and helping Thomas with his lesson plans he will present at his 2nd job interview tomorrow. I basically been on the verge of crying consistently since Monday.

But. but. but. We made progress today. I'll probably have an appointment set up with Catholic Charities very soon (finally got a hold of the right/a real person [actually got an extension number! wowsa!] - which by the way, wasn't even available anywhere online, I needed a REFERRAL. yeah.) and have some prospects for an attorney. I called Harlem Community Law Offices and they said the next intake is next week! They told me to call back then and make sure I tell them that a stipulation is already in progress.

I'm confident that Thomas can land this job tomorrow. I think if he does, it will be very good for him (and us). That organization has awesome reviews on Glassdoor for the position he is applying for (counselor). Not only will he be moving up the ladder (hooray!), he will also be making better pay and more hours. I can't wait to shower him with well wishes before he leaves, and hopefully congratulations after.

Overall, today has been a lucky day, as ironic as that sounds. Can I even be lucky at this point? Yet, I've noticed a lot of small acts of good fortune lately. Hopefully that's a good sign.

OK - let me cut to the chase. I am literally the queen of over-writing.

In the early afternoon, my Super came up to tell us that the building manager/landlord/whatever-the-fuck-he-calls-himself was downstairs and wanted to collect something from us. That something was December's rent. Shocker - we didn't have it. This he should have known from his attorney but I suppose he isn't in communication with them. At least that's what he claims. Sounds like BS though. I think he used that as an excuse to come down here and basically create more fear and tension.

He also asked us about our employment status, and why we haven't, get this, WHY WE HAVEN'T ASKED OUR FAMILY FOR MONEY! He said we weren't trying hard enough, basically. I mean, that's questionable. Yes, we can always do more - but some days we're just trying to survive. Personally, I wish he didn't learn so much about our personal business. But of course, we told him the truth - they can't help. I've exhausted my help from my family and Thomas's entire family is on welfare. In reality, we shouldn't even be communicating with him directly without first consulting with an attorney, if at all. That's what civil court is for.

Even though I let Thomas handle it, I still feel the anxiety and anger as if he were speaking directly to me. All it does is bring back all of the fear and anxiety of each and every encounter we've had and problem we've ran into since living here. It's like 4 years of utter crap I'm reminded of all at once.

I'm really glad he went downstairs and spoke with him because I truly believe he has used me and my venerability to scare and confuse us. Every threat has NEVER materialized! He still tried to do this, of course, but thankfully Thomas held fast. He said he was considering dropping the case and calling the sheriff to evict us. Mind you, that's not how it works, and I don't think he's ignorant of how this process works - instead, I think he thinks we're ignorant enough to believe it.

I talked a little bit with my Mom tonight - I;m so grateful for her. I didn't talk to her about this, but just how I've been feeling about myself lately. We've really gotten much closer. I'm so grateful for her. She always fights so hard for me, and even though we often lose the war, it will always be enough because she gives her ALL.

Anywhoooo! It would be better to be dead!!