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december_solsticeEveryday I’m working on become a little more brave. It’s difficult, but I know that becoming more transparent about being homeless will help me “get over it”, although that’s probably an impossibility, but I could heal. It’s also kind of necessary for the quality of work I hope to do with IP – to be able to talk about it – to PUSH past the shame. I don’t want this pain to follow me for the rest of life, either, you know? Some days, I feel nothing but grace, and I feel like I have been showered with a surplus of blessings. Yet, other days, I feel really shitty. Like I’m covered in scars – hence “Scar Tissue”.
I’ve talked with a lot of formally (and currently) homeless people, and sometimes I think, it’s kind of inevitable, to feel like this, for a long time (i.e. my boss was homeless many many years ago, and he still has a irrational fear of landlords and apartments because of his eviction – so, yeah, I’m kinda lucky in that respect).
I think the lingering emotional pain just kind of comes with the experience. That realization makes me very sad. I think, at my core, the problem is I want the old me back very badly. I am sort of mourning who I was before I became homeless. Like, I just need to have the funeral, I guess. I know I have to let go, and I will be in pain until I do. I’m stuck in the past, so to speak.
This week (technically last week) was a great week. I worked on a big project for IP. Took up a decent amount of my time. It was super engaging and I’m overall very happy with what I’m doing. Like, there is no better work I can think of, tbh. I love a-ha moments, especially when I’m writing/editing, and I had a few of them today. It’s nice to be working on something (new projects) and making (what I consider) a decent amount of money. Very validating.
All of this is just proof that we really have very little control over what happens in our lives. I didn’t really expect any of what happened this year. I hope that I can still reach for things I am not willing to let go of. I feel like, perhaps, my life is kind of going in one direction, but I am not willing to give all of me to that. If that makes any sense.
Thomas has a big interview Thurs at this really cool science center. As I’m pretty sure I already mentioned, as much as he LOVES non-profit, it’s just not stable enough to do long term – always worrying about programs being cut, funding, reapplying every term, etc. There is a huge gap in the summer…I mean how is that viable for people who are trying to survive? Stability is so important when you’ve been homeless. There is always this fear, in the back of your mind, that somehow, the system will bleed you dry and leave you dying outside on the concrete. I know, irrational, but that’s how I feel. Like it’s kind of an impending doom, that I’ll be homeless again. Just a matter of time. God, I just hate it. That fear. Anywho, I am really praying that this ends up being a challenging (because he likes a challenge), long term, and secure thing. (And, ofc, that he gets the job!) It’s right up his alley (he loves science – whenever he is creating lesson plans, he finds a situation to have a science experiment).
This week is a bit busy. I have a Hollar and Peapod delivery. I also have to buy trash bags and clean the stove. I guess that isn’t really “busy”, but there is a lot of things going on. Tiara tipped me off on Express Writers, so I’m going to apply, and see what happens. Supposedly, once you apply, it’s just a matter of passing a few simple tests, and you’re in. I used to write for Ultius, but the pay was meh and I don’t feel like writing papers for lazy students anymore (no offense lmfao). I don’t know how good Express Writers is, but if they have more variety for jobs, I could use more freelancing opportunities.
For the most part, I’ve just been trying to focus on Scar Tissue and increasing traffic to my blog. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of buckling the fuck down and doing it. I’m not huge on social media, I’m going to have to learn how to use it better.
I’ve talked with a lot of formally (and currently) homeless people, and sometimes I think, it’s kind of inevitable, to feel like this, for a long time (i.e. my boss was homeless many many years ago, and he still has a irrational fear of landlords and apartments because of his eviction – so, yeah, I’m kinda lucky in that respect).
I think the lingering emotional pain just kind of comes with the experience. That realization makes me very sad. I think, at my core, the problem is I want the old me back very badly. I am sort of mourning who I was before I became homeless. Like, I just need to have the funeral, I guess. I know I have to let go, and I will be in pain until I do. I’m stuck in the past, so to speak.
This week (technically last week) was a great week. I worked on a big project for IP. Took up a decent amount of my time. It was super engaging and I’m overall very happy with what I’m doing. Like, there is no better work I can think of, tbh. I love a-ha moments, especially when I’m writing/editing, and I had a few of them today. It’s nice to be working on something (new projects) and making (what I consider) a decent amount of money. Very validating.
All of this is just proof that we really have very little control over what happens in our lives. I didn’t really expect any of what happened this year. I hope that I can still reach for things I am not willing to let go of. I feel like, perhaps, my life is kind of going in one direction, but I am not willing to give all of me to that. If that makes any sense.
Thomas has a big interview Thurs at this really cool science center. As I’m pretty sure I already mentioned, as much as he LOVES non-profit, it’s just not stable enough to do long term – always worrying about programs being cut, funding, reapplying every term, etc. There is a huge gap in the summer…I mean how is that viable for people who are trying to survive? Stability is so important when you’ve been homeless. There is always this fear, in the back of your mind, that somehow, the system will bleed you dry and leave you dying outside on the concrete. I know, irrational, but that’s how I feel. Like it’s kind of an impending doom, that I’ll be homeless again. Just a matter of time. God, I just hate it. That fear. Anywho, I am really praying that this ends up being a challenging (because he likes a challenge), long term, and secure thing. (And, ofc, that he gets the job!) It’s right up his alley (he loves science – whenever he is creating lesson plans, he finds a situation to have a science experiment).
This week is a bit busy. I have a Hollar and Peapod delivery. I also have to buy trash bags and clean the stove. I guess that isn’t really “busy”, but there is a lot of things going on. Tiara tipped me off on Express Writers, so I’m going to apply, and see what happens. Supposedly, once you apply, it’s just a matter of passing a few simple tests, and you’re in. I used to write for Ultius, but the pay was meh and I don’t feel like writing papers for lazy students anymore (no offense lmfao). I don’t know how good Express Writers is, but if they have more variety for jobs, I could use more freelancing opportunities.
For the most part, I’ve just been trying to focus on Scar Tissue and increasing traffic to my blog. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of buckling the fuck down and doing it. I’m not huge on social media, I’m going to have to learn how to use it better.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-17 12:05 am (UTC)Take for example my older sister. Dropped out of college in her first semester, was always working for like drive-through coffee shops where you wear skimpy outfits, leeching off boyfriends (who weren't exactly rich either), and eventually between her and her boyfriend the two of them couldn't afford anything better than a trailer home with NO electricity or water. How's that really any better than a homeless shelter (where at least you theoretically have electricity, heating, water and a toilet)? She's been doing this kind of stuff for TEN YEARS. Now her only job is being, what's it called, a "mystery shopper" - y'know, you go into a shop and order this or that and then time the staff and review the place - and she thinks that's "really good pay". But it's still not enough pay to where she can afford to not live with her mom and grandma.
And people just stay like that. Forever. Never really working towards anything at all. Even losing the WANT to improve their lives. But you guys are still going!
Being homeless isn't always something that's... I don't know how to put it, "your fault". Some people are homeless because their parents kicked them out when they were a teenager, or they lost their homes in a natural disaster, and some even choose to be homeless because they reject material society. Apparently the American job market is actually worse than it was during the great depression or something like that; if you're homeless because you can't find work, and can't find housing you can afford, that's not exactly entirely your fault (as in, theoretically there are even options like getting English teaching jobs in Asia if you really need a job, but if you don't see that as an option then you don't see that as an option). Just remember, there's actually worse stuff out there than having been homeless. You can start comparing things - which is more shameful in society's eyes, being homeless or being a stripper? lol
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