4.26

[december_solstice]

I swear as soon as I start feeling a little bit better, a little hopeful, something happens to change that. Yesterday we had our follow up doctor's appointment and although Thomas took the day off and it was a fairly relaxing day, we found out that he has diabetes - not necessarily surprising,, because literally every single person in his family has it, including his parents and siblings (his autistic sister had it at age 15), he is overweight, he grew up on a shit diet...his diet has improved, yes, but I mean, those changes are fairly recent. I found out that my colesterol is a little bit above normal - not alarming, but my doctor recommended I cut down on pork, fried foods, and anything high in sodium/salt. 

 

It also seems like we won't have as much money to get us through the next week and a half as I'd hoped. We need to put $20 aside for Thomas to go to work next week and pick up our medications. That alone will probably cost another $40-50. We have a little over $100 in food stamps (I thought more). So our budget is probably more in the $150 range total, which is still doable, but still. 

 

TBH I was feeling a lot better until my Dad started causing so much trouble. It has always been such a challenege trying to cope - I don't know a single person who has caused me more grief in my life than him. I used to want a relationship with him so badly and had some serious daddy issues. Now, it's like, things are so much peaceful when he is not around or mentioned. It all started w/ that Facebook post, and then him finding out that we moved out, and then him finding out that I used my Mom's credit card to top-up my phone bill with $30 a few days ago (not without her permission - she gave me the card to do it for her). I guess from there he started going through my mom's transaction history to find out what else my Mom has been spending money on/sending us (which, I don't even care... is fucking abusive and possessive asf). Who does that? 

 

So, he's more or less just been causing both of us a lot of grief since the beginning of this week. 

 

He ranted to me on FB messenger (and I didn't even read all of it yet), but from the bits I've seen from the alert, it's a lot of, "when are you going to support yourself", and "I'm sorry, please forgive me". Fuck him, already. I can't believe he even has the nerve to say all of this to me when we're literally living in a homeless shelter, when he doesn't support my Mom financially, and lives with her parents. And, he has the nerve to tell me that I'm being a mooch. Over 30 fucking dollars. Fuck him. 

 

LOL mega-rant over. 

In other news, I was sort of thinking a little bit about how the idea of this shelter "feeling just like a prison" - many people have said this, and I think beyond the guards and all that, I think a big portion of it really is not being able to have all of these modern privledges (cable, internet, ect.) and I think just that fact, that there is nothing to do but twiddle your fucking thumbs...kind of makes it seem like, well, it's a miserable existence barely worth living. It's more than just people accepting their fate and believing that they're, I don't know, societies "throw aways" it's probably also extremely depressing sitting in your room all day (or roaming around the streets) with no where to go, nothing to do, no money - it;s probably loney as fuck. 

At this point, I really do feel like its BARELY tolerable. And it's only tolerable because I'm avoiding the shelter as much as possible. Being here, at home, alone, all day, is depressing. I really do think doing this long term would make me want to kill myself. 

Shit.

Comments

[december_solstice]

I don't think it's harsh - tbh, I need the "wake-up call", or at least someone to keep me on my toes, on track, to remember who I am. I don't really talk to anyone about what's going on in my life, you know? Like, I do keep my Mom in the loop, but STILL not to the extent of this blog. And, she usually doesn't have much to offer me in terms of advice or encouragement.
Your comment really motivated me yesterday, even though I was having another rough day, I forced myself to get out of the house and try sort out the prescription situation. I ended up going to 2 different stores and I couldn't pick up the medications at either. The first one didn't take medicaid, the other didn't take my specific insurance company. So, I ended up walking back to the dr. office and the medical case manager on-site said she would work this out with the provider and get in touch with me. I will probably call Monday.
I went back to the shelter for a few hours, took a shower, cleaned up, packed my laptop then went to Starbucks to write. I ended up vommiting up 6-7 pages! Then last night, I coughed up another 2-3 pages of a writing excerise from this book I'm reading, plus a detailed outline of what I plan to write today. I decided to straight up write a sorta classic "personal essay", mini-memoir, whatever you want to call it, creative non-fiction piece about my experience with my landlord. I gave it a title like, "A tale of landlord & tenant: exploitation, eviction, and homelessness". I will go back around 5p again tonight and try to write about the same amount - probably more because I will leave earlier and give myself more time.
After I picked up Thomas, we went to the grocery store and tried to figure out what to buy for dinner. Since we've been having a lot of deli sandwiches, pastas, ect., and it's high in colesterol, we went to look around the store to see what else we could find. Nothing fermented - I gotta look into what latino foods are fermented since this is a latino neighborhood with nothing but latino grocery stores. And, I was really surprised by like...how many products that are marketed as "healthy" food items are insanely high in sugar, sodium and colesterol. :/ And, it just really bummed me out, because there really isn't very much I can do - at least in walking distance. Being restricted to a single mircowave in the cafeteria...with a time limit, is just pathetic.
I'm trying to not feel so discouraged to a point of not caring at all or giving up. Small improvements need to be enough for me to keep going. Since going to the doctor, I just have MORE anxiety at each meal time, you know? It's already a daunting task, even if you have the money, skills, and tools you need. I have a very strict daily budget to stick to, and it's just really hard stretching the dollar when all you have is a microwave to work with, on top of all these other restrictions and rules that come with living in a shelter.
And it's like, part of me just wants to give up, eat the poison in the cafeteria, because at least I don't have to pay for that poison (which is extremely high in sodium and colesterol - so I literally can't have that), feel sick the next day, simply to avoid conflict, to avoid getting in trouble, to avoid risking getting kicked out, you know? Because I don't want that problem, more than I want to be healthy.
Most of my motivation comes from worrying about Thomas, tbh. I don't want this for him. I'm glad that he's going about this a lot more positivity and with a go-getter attitude than I am. He is already making different choices, and I'm just like FUCK IT. Which is obviously just horrible.
I've thought about community kitchens/soup kitchens, and the biggest obstacle seems to be access and transportation. It costs a lot of money getting out of Jamacia (this is literally what the community is called lol - it's not paradise tho lmfao).
In the instance that we'd want to try ordering some stuff online, we may actually need to invest in a P.O. box which is a big investment that we can't make right now, at least (though I really do want to eventually.)
For real though, straight up, I need some ideas. Maybe I should post on Reddit? I got 5 minutes, a microwave, food stamps, and I have to watch my colesterol, above all else. What can I do?

[lusentoj]

oh i'm glad, i was worried you'd get mad at me haha. that's great that you wrote so much!! just a few more pages and you can publish it already.

if you can't find something entirely without any sort of sugar, pick the thing that seems to have the least amount of it and the least amount of ingredients in general. if 1 sausage has 20 ingredients and the other has 4, pick the second one i mean. but yeah, there is added sugar in almost everything, which is the reason why like 90% of americans are obese and sick. no one actually knows what they're eating, they just read the propaganda/commercial lies on the front of the box.

yeah, post everywhere you can and see what people's ideas are. there's actually a ton of homeless or semi-homeless people out there who probably have a lot of good ideas. i know you can eat squash raw for example (here i've seen it grated in sallads like carrots). in sweden the grocery stores put food (like meat) on half-price when it's going to expire the next day, i don't know if the stores around you do that and if it would help or not, i don't know how food stamps work.

[december_solstice]

Nah, I mean I know that you're a friend and you're legitimately trying to help me figure this out. ( I'm on mobile right now so I probably will keep this one short.)

As for the writing, I'm really on a roll. When I'm not writing I'm thinking about writing which hasn't been a thing in years. It's just so refreshing to feel myself again.

Yeah, I figured it would be quite a task trying to learn my way around the grocery store. Like, today, i ended up with plain packaged tuna and a bag of greens and an avacado. I thought I'll squeeze a little lemon on it, and there you go. OK - just the tuna itself (canned version, instead of vacummed in a packet) had like 5x the amount of crap in it. The package version has less tuna and cost twice as much, but it has 2 3 ingredients, not 20. The nutritional value is also much higher. Is it because the canned version has longer self life? That cost me $6 total and it will give me 2 full meals, and its fairly nutritionally complete.

Also, like you mentiomed, yeah, I'm kind of getting this idea that imported items are better.
I like to have herbal tea with some kind of snack in the morning. I found these lemon biscuits that have zero cholesterol, no sodium, and 4g sugar, gmo-free, no food coloring, and very short ingredient list. Its made with potato flour? From India. Got it from a ethnic discount shop place (needed detergent for laundry) and was surprised that most of the food/pantry items all like this.
They're super plain, flakey, and goes well with like camomile tea. Super mild lemon flavor.

Funny because with the onsite lunch they served yesterday, it came hotess zingers (ever heard of these?) And I couldn't even have 1 bite. I haven't eaten things like this since high school. Dude. Single serving packet has 150g of sugar. WTF 23% sodium WUT. That's like, just a tiny snack. And this lady was like, u gonna eat your dessert? Dude.

[december_solstice]

2-3 ingredients in the tuna* including water

[lusentoj]

Hmm, I can't say specifically why but basically ANY canned food is going to be boiled and heated to hell, killing almost all the nutrients. I didn't know that before but I was reading all about it just the other day because my wife's parents were trying to tell me I can't ferment fish because I'll get botulism... Turns out botulism's so rare it's a joke: in the first place it's the least likely sickness for you to get if you're eating preserved food. It only happens if you never let any air inside your container (ex. the Swedish surströmming, which is canned fish that is never opened until 6 to 12 months later), and/or you're fermenting with oil (aka also no air), and/or you're not using salt, citrus or anything else antibacterial, and/or you've boiled your food — because botulism is really weak and is "killed" if there's almost any other bacteria already there, but pasteurizing kills the good bacteria that would have defeated the botulism (botulism itself withstands temperatures higher than we can actually cook food). So every single incident of botulism I could find to do with food had to do with boiled, canned food (ex. cooked tomatoes becoming canned tomato sauce) or the person literally not letting any air into the container ever (raw meat but in a plastic container that was never opened). It's even appeared a ton of times in grocery-store canned food.

AND WHAT'S MORE, they claim the amount of infected food you eat directly affects how bad your symptoms are and how likely you are to die. Except there's even been cases of groups of people all eating the same food at dinner, with the guy who ate twice as much as everyone else having absolutely no symptoms while everyone else had to go to the hospital. And the first cases of babies getting botulism only started being reported extremely recently (like since the 60's or something, I forget, but really recently). Supposedly, when it's in babies it's because they haven't gotten enough good stomach bacteria to beat out the botulism, but they ate something like honey which had a slightly larger amount of botulism spores than normal food (the spores are literally everywhere, even in dirt, but they're just usually not growing into the actual botulism). So I'm thinking, maybe how much people are affected also has to do with their stomach bacteria. I found a few forum threads with people thinking the same thing but apparently no one's ever studied this so...

I don't know about zingers but I know Hostess anything is pure poison lol. I always wanted to try some Hostess things when I was a kid because there were so many commercials for them and "everyone" ate them, but by the time I did ever try them I realized they're super disgusting. I really don't know how anyone can eat those pre-made grocery store cookies and things - ignoring how unhealthy they are, they're just dry and gross!

Also I think potato flour's probably good, I'm super sensitive to any "unhealthy" food now but I don't think I've ever had a problem with potato flour.