Bills paid. Cheers to having lights on.

[december_solstice]

Thankfully, my mom was able to help us pay the minimum for our electricity and internet. She was upset. Specifically, "tired of this shit". And, it's rough you know relying on her to help us with our bills. I feel like a failure for not being able to provide for myself. I feel bad for the weight I'm putting on her. At the same time, I feel both resentment and abandomment.  I didn't get much, if any, monetary support from my parents. I didn't get any financial help with college and to be frank, well, she and I live compeltely different lives. They don't pay for a roof. They will always have the security of their family home, but I don't have that. They don't really have to fend for themselves. My grandma can cook for them. It is their pride that creates hardships. They could spend less if they tried. There is not, and never will be, a threat of survival. Something that I feel every day of my life. And, yes, though their reasoning is often valid (misunderstandings with my grandma), they really have no idea...no idea...what I'm going through. They couldn't even grasp it!

I'm going to try not to even think about this. LOL.

It's barely 9:00am and I've already written the emails I needed to write today. I was going to go to the store, but it just didn't happen. I wanted tangerines from Bravo, but I don't think it's on sale anymore - and even when it was on sale...it was like 2 for $1.29 which is O-K, but not great. I miss when I could just go outside to get a tangerine, mango, or a papaya. Life has changed.

I didn't have very much planned for the end of the week. I want to relax today becuase I'm not doing so well mental health wise. I mean it's 9:00 and I feel like shit already. LOL. My only goal for the day is to drink water and eat enough. I've already did some washing in the tub, paid the bills, ect. my only other plan was to write those emails. I was going to spend some time on 7 cups but I think I'm pass today. Instead I'll listen to some music (that'll inevitably make me homesick - lies, I'm already homesick! LOL.) And, do whatever other leisure activities I can think of.

Depending on how motivated I feel later, I may work on advertisement for my blog, and try my hand at writing poetry. I've been reading a lot of some of my favorite poets lately and listening to a lot of slam poetry. I kind of want to write intimate/romance/love poems...

I specifically really enjoy the lyrics to this song. I've written short pieces with a lot of emphasis on bodies of water (especially the sea/Pacific Ocean):

We two in the water

The sighing waters of Kahualoa

Hold back that driven current

O my love, answer me

Restrain those waters

Surging wellsprings, stirring the heart

Glide on those waters as they sparkle

O my love, acknowledge me

Then, release the torrent

Waters of passion, burning the skin

Indulge until you are satiated

O my beloved, respond to me

Comments

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

Not that I can say much, but if she's THAT tired of it, she can get you guys jobs where she lives and force you to move back.....

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

It's kind of tricky. My mom doesn't actually want me to move back/come back to visit. She also feels guilt for not being able to help me more in the ways her parents did. She apologized for being so mean about it. I don't think she knows how much it still bothers/hurts to hear her say that though.