(no subject)
Jul. 28th, 2016 06:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
december_solstice7.28.16
Started the evening with a heavy bit of anxiety. Got a call from the landlord. It's literally only been...a week past due on the rent, and they're calling - pushing to take "legal action". I mean, it's insane. They aren't even giving me enough time to recover from throwing 5k at them not too long ago (to avoid going to court). Then paying the following month ON TIME (within 3 weeks). I haven't even caught up yet...we're stretched so thin... I'm behind on all my bills. I almost got my lights cut off last week. Got barely any cash for food. The universe is challenging me.
I'll probably end up at the welfare office. Again. For 5+ hours. And, get no where. It seems going the non-profit route is my better option; and trying my mom's suggestions (calling 211). I probably will try to call my Grandma and see if she can offer any help. My birthday is around the corner, perhaps she will feel generous.
I'm trying to stay above water. I just want to drown myself in...whatever I can find. For the first time EVER, I can understand why people drink. I usually manage stress really well but holy shit, I can only really take so much of it.
I finally feel like I'm finally getting back on track. Starting to feel myself again, you know? My blog is finally back up and running and I've got 2 quality posts published and 1 in the works. I started editing my second book. I've been applying for jobs. I've been getting exercise. I've been staying hydrated.
So, all of this is happening and I'm feeling defeated, as usual, but I'm trying to push through it. And then something amazing happens. I find out that I'd been accepted into the Honor Society. So here we are now - my academic, personal, and professional achievements are being recognized...and for me to feel so...defeated...is a wake up call.
I think failure feels so much more crippling because of the efforts we make. The harder we work, the more painful failure is. Whenever I reach a road block, or when I'm faced with obstacles, the challenge appears so massive that I forget everything else...
Today has been so rough. I feel like I could probably write some decent poetry. I really wanted to put together an article about Pokemon Go, but honestly I feel so NOT in the right space to be doing that. It would come out so shitty. LOL. Half an attempt.
In other news, I'm so over July. I'm so over summer! It's so fucking hot and uncomfortable! A DISGRACE TO MY EXISTENCE LOL I'm always tired. I want to sleep my entire life away...I want to wake up when living isn't so difficult anymore. It's a smaller commitment than death. LOL.
I think what's really been bringing me down is feeling like I'm very alone in my burdens. It's not easy feeling alone in the world. In a way, I feel very involved in other people's burdens. I genuinely feel like we really must carry each others burdens and it is our purpose as humans (and more or less, the only way we can thrive). I feel like is it never a wrong choice to serve others. And, so, I give my whole self to others, and I don't feel the same loyalty in return. I feel that I am their ally, but they are not mine. When it comes down to it, I don't think there is anyone on this earth who is truly loyal to me except my mother and husband. Oh, and maybe my cat.
Started the evening with a heavy bit of anxiety. Got a call from the landlord. It's literally only been...a week past due on the rent, and they're calling - pushing to take "legal action". I mean, it's insane. They aren't even giving me enough time to recover from throwing 5k at them not too long ago (to avoid going to court). Then paying the following month ON TIME (within 3 weeks). I haven't even caught up yet...we're stretched so thin... I'm behind on all my bills. I almost got my lights cut off last week. Got barely any cash for food. The universe is challenging me.
I'll probably end up at the welfare office. Again. For 5+ hours. And, get no where. It seems going the non-profit route is my better option; and trying my mom's suggestions (calling 211). I probably will try to call my Grandma and see if she can offer any help. My birthday is around the corner, perhaps she will feel generous.
I'm trying to stay above water. I just want to drown myself in...whatever I can find. For the first time EVER, I can understand why people drink. I usually manage stress really well but holy shit, I can only really take so much of it.
I finally feel like I'm finally getting back on track. Starting to feel myself again, you know? My blog is finally back up and running and I've got 2 quality posts published and 1 in the works. I started editing my second book. I've been applying for jobs. I've been getting exercise. I've been staying hydrated.
So, all of this is happening and I'm feeling defeated, as usual, but I'm trying to push through it. And then something amazing happens. I find out that I'd been accepted into the Honor Society. So here we are now - my academic, personal, and professional achievements are being recognized...and for me to feel so...defeated...is a wake up call.
I think failure feels so much more crippling because of the efforts we make. The harder we work, the more painful failure is. Whenever I reach a road block, or when I'm faced with obstacles, the challenge appears so massive that I forget everything else...
Today has been so rough. I feel like I could probably write some decent poetry. I really wanted to put together an article about Pokemon Go, but honestly I feel so NOT in the right space to be doing that. It would come out so shitty. LOL. Half an attempt.
In other news, I'm so over July. I'm so over summer! It's so fucking hot and uncomfortable! A DISGRACE TO MY EXISTENCE LOL I'm always tired. I want to sleep my entire life away...I want to wake up when living isn't so difficult anymore. It's a smaller commitment than death. LOL.
I think what's really been bringing me down is feeling like I'm very alone in my burdens. It's not easy feeling alone in the world. In a way, I feel very involved in other people's burdens. I genuinely feel like we really must carry each others burdens and it is our purpose as humans (and more or less, the only way we can thrive). I feel like is it never a wrong choice to serve others. And, so, I give my whole self to others, and I don't feel the same loyalty in return. I feel that I am their ally, but they are not mine. When it comes down to it, I don't think there is anyone on this earth who is truly loyal to me except my mother and husband. Oh, and maybe my cat.
