Sorry about your experiences w/ sexual assault :/ I can imagine you would push such painful experiences away and your mind try to forget them.
My husband has had experiences w/ sexual assault, so has my best friend. Both family members too. I think that's common, too. Rapists often end up being people you trust, people in your family or who are close to you :/
I had a super bizarre/weird father/daughter relationship with my Dad, but from my understanding (of my memories at least), I don't think it went any further than very unwanted intimidate touching (which I've never told my mother.. and I tell her everything) and a sort of....glorification of innocence (my dad treating me like a little girl, toddler age even.) He used to do this thing where he'd come into my room late at night, crawl in my bed and spoon me.
Interesting that you mention repressed memories. I think we experience a lot of things that we repress -- force ourselves to completely forget even.
You may be on to something about the baby/shotgun dream. Though I've never had an abortion (I've take emergency contraceptive), I have been on tons of birth control. Before I found out I have problems with fertility, I actually wasn't even thinking about kids. I had really no intention to have them...probably till after 30. Now it's like the universe is telling me "fuck your plans". I absolutely hate feeling like I have no control over my life, and deciding when to enter motherhood is a big deal. I wanted the desire to start a family to come along naturally, and I wanted to have kids naturally. I'm sure like all parents, soon-to-be, or trying-to-conceive, you're afraid you'll fuck them up or you won't be able to provide.
Seeing a therapist probably wouldn't hurt. I probably could have really benefited from one about a year ago. My husband too. He has struggled with depression since childhood.
Recording my dreams is definitely a good idea! Journaling in general is so beneficial. Keep writing.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
momijizukamori
Great suggestions, thanx!
Date: 2015-09-16 05:37 am (UTC)My husband has had experiences w/ sexual assault, so has my best friend. Both family members too. I think that's common, too. Rapists often end up being people you trust, people in your family or who are close to you :/
I had a super bizarre/weird father/daughter relationship with my Dad, but from my understanding (of my memories at least), I don't think it went any further than very unwanted intimidate touching (which I've never told my mother.. and I tell her everything) and a sort of....glorification of innocence (my dad treating me like a little girl, toddler age even.) He used to do this thing where he'd come into my room late at night, crawl in my bed and spoon me.
Interesting that you mention repressed memories. I think we experience a lot of things that we repress -- force ourselves to completely forget even.
You may be on to something about the baby/shotgun dream. Though I've never had an abortion (I've take emergency contraceptive), I have been on tons of birth control. Before I found out I have problems with fertility, I actually wasn't even thinking about kids. I had really no intention to have them...probably till after 30. Now it's like the universe is telling me "fuck your plans". I absolutely hate feeling like I have no control over my life, and deciding when to enter motherhood is a big deal. I wanted the desire to start a family to come along naturally, and I wanted to have kids naturally. I'm sure like all parents, soon-to-be, or trying-to-conceive, you're afraid you'll fuck them up or you won't be able to provide.
Seeing a therapist probably wouldn't hurt. I probably could have really benefited from one about a year ago. My husband too. He has struggled with depression since childhood.
Recording my dreams is definitely a good idea! Journaling in general is so beneficial. Keep writing.