So, I ran into some old photos from Myspace.

[december_solstice]

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago.




I think it's really crazy how quick life can pass us by.

I snagged this photo from her Myspace account. I shall call this old pal M.

M and I met in my first year of community college while I still lived in Hawaii. Instantly, I wanted to know this girl. She had an infectious smile. She was full of charm, very bright and innocent. We clicked instantly and were pretty much inseparable. I spent so much time with her. Every day, if possible, we'd spend hours together. I could never regret that short time I had with M because every moment really did fill my heart with love, happiness and wonder.

So, you’re probably thinking? Well, what happened? All I can say is it was gradual, but I didn’t see it coming. She began making new friends, whom were probably a very bad influence on her. It shocked me, how this once VERY grounded, very sure, very focused, very bright young woman lost her footing. She lost sight of what was once important to her and traded it in for popularity, fun and pleasure.

She entered the party scene and began taking drugs. I, for one, am actually very open minded about recreational drug use, with the assumption that the consumer is a responsible adult. She was not, that was the problem. She was making a lot of stupid, dumb ass decisions.

The last straw for me was after the events of a rave. She was tripping balls, completely incoherent, and I, trying to be the responsible best friend, and protect her, had to basically babysit her all night. If not, she’d throw her self at random strangers. She had absolutely no control over herself. She didn't know when to stop, or how to take E responsibilty. No concept of self-control or self-responsibility, and even though she told me that she didn’t need a babysitter (because — she’s an adult and can get herself out of whatever situation she put herself in), letting her get taken advantage of, letting her accidentally go home with someone else, get raped, roofied, killed, letting her put herself in harms way…I could not.  I was trying to be a sensible human being. I couldn’t abandon her or let her make bigger mistakes that will effect her future. I couldn’t.

Anywho, I wasn’t feeling so well that night. Instead of helping me leave, she popped more E and I lost her in the crowd. That night I smoked some REALLY SHITTY pot, PROBABLY laced with downers. I felt like shit for DAYS.

It was that following morning that I realized this wasn’t working anymore. She did not value the friendship anymore, so I had no real reason to stick around. Her mom started blaming me for her fuck ups. I had to jet. It was hard. I was heart broken. Eventually I started avoiding her at school. Then, I took a semester off, refocused on the future, and cut ties.

I admit, I have made some mistakes down the line, because I had not forgiven her. I said some mean, unnecessary things about her on social media. It was in a line of comments, and I don’t think I made it particularly clear or even really visible who I was talking about, but someone ratted me out and the news got to her. The following day one of her friends left a snarky “fat” comment on my timeline, then blocked me. We eventually tried to dish it out, but I couldn’t get past it. I really just couldn't. I still can’t after…god, 6-7 years? I really really felt betrayed by her. I felt my loyalty did not matter. That my tough love was mistaken for hatred or even jealousy! I have no idea really how she ended up taking the entire situation. I assume better than I, since she attempted to reach out to me a few times.

A few years ago, or maybe a year, I’m not entirely sure, she came to NYC. We were not friends on Facebook at the time but she contacted me. I couldn’t get myself to see her. I could not face her, you know? I couldn't look her in the face. Just thinking about looking her in the face...I knew I would never do it again.

I know that I probably would never want to see her again because the person I miss does not exist, and I’m not trying to reconnect with a stranger.

Comments

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

similar thing happened with a bunch of my friends over the years... not (always) with drugs, but always boiled down to "got influenced by bad influences".

i knew a girl who was doing drugs, and even doing stuff like her parents wanted her to go to uni in japan (in big part to improve her japanese, which they all spoke at home), she didn't want to go (for absolutely zero reason, just that she hated her parents so she hated her own heritage too - her family moved away from japan when she was like 5 years old).

anyway her parents were actually nice people as far as i could tell, since i visited them for a bit. the problem was HER. she would yell and backtalk to her mom all the time, insult her mom (ex. like insult her mom's accented english), skip school, she did drugs, get out of paying for the bus fare and all that. as far as i remember her parents even relented and said "okay, well you don't have to go to school in japan, where do you want to go?" and she decided on nursing school or something, so they let her get a job so she could save money for that (or something). btw she was doing stuff like stealing cigarettes and money from her mom's purse i think.

then she went and, as far as I remember which might have beenn wrong, started blowing all the money she was saving for nursing school on drugs and whatnot : l also she hung out with some friends who were super rude to me even though i hadn't even met them before, and she was like "why are you being so rude?" and her friend didn't even have an answer.

(i also said some stuff / did some stuff that wasn't nice at the end there but i was extremely depressed at that time and not a great person to be around in general)

so i broke off contact with her. i don't regret it, because even if she has changed by now, maybe me specifically quitting the friendship made her see that not everyone agrees with that lifestyle, or maybe she realized later on that i was a better friend than those druggies and left them, y'know?

then there were friends who were in the end a lot worse than her. some of them did drugs and some didn't (actually, all of them did, even if it was just alcohol and cigarettes), but all of them were just getting worse and worse the longer time went on and then they naturally found people or corrupted people to be as bad as them. i don't WANT to know how they're doing now - if they're doing great and have changed, i'd still be a little jealous that they didn't change when i was around, and since my own life is shit right now i'd be jealous of their happiness, y'know?

but if you take a look at my wife's parents, they act like shit and are constantly unhappy and have been living like this for 30-40 years. they won't even try to change, not even if you try to help them. my mom and sister also act like that, they constantly make awful decisions, constantly hang around bad people, eat like shit, my sister does drugs, etc, won't accept help and won't change themselves, and that hasn't changed my whole life. (my sister was always a problem child.)

so while some people can change, i feel like a whole lot of people don't, and i'd really rather not know about any of it when it has to do with someone i quit being friends with. i don't want to ever go back to the time when they were being shitty towards me. i'd always have bad feelings about that time, or i'd be worried that it would happen again. i don't care what they might think of me because even if i might have been bad, in my eyes they were the worse person.

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

I think bad behavior in adulthood (poor decision making) has a lot to do with their relationship with parents, their environment as a kid, and how they grew up. Parents who don't instill a sense of personal responsibility in their kids tend to make poor decision in adulthood. (Ex. When you do this, this will happen. Consequences for poor decision making.)

I witnessed this kind of entitlement at my university. And, had a friend who sort of behaved in the way yours did. Lots of trust fund babies in college because their parents made them and it was easier than having a job and having to provide for themselves. On the other hand, having kids in the classroom with no interest or intention to learn, discuss or grow makes for a shitty environment for students who do value their education. Those who are on scholarship, paying out of pocket, and/or are very passionate about what they're learning. I just can't fathom having that kind of privilege and NOT utilizing it. The things I would pursue if I could afford to...

I think it's super unfortunate when things like this happens but I always try to see the positive in it. At least you made the decision to cut ties, you know? At least you didn't choose your friendship over your own life and future. I might imagine who you would be if you hung out with that crowd, continued on that same path. Of course, we would never know, but at the time we tried to make the right decision for ourselves.

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

We ALL poor decisions sometimes. We're learning. We're growing. What matters is learning for our mistakes. Taking responsibility for them, and trying to improve. That's the BIG difference, you know?

For example, I got money problems. At first, I thought it was simply the fact that I just don't have much of it ( I mean, that's a contributing factor -- I don't have money because I'm poor. Duh.), But overtime I realized that there are always ways to improve spending, there are always ways to become a smarter spender whether we're talking about $20 or $2000. There are ways to stretch a dollar and stretching the dollar drastically improves your quality of life.

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

SO this girl, in the above picture, is now following me on Instagram. How nuts is that?