5/19/2017

[december_solstice]

 I've been ignoring my Dad for approximately 2 weeks now - and although I still don't want to talk to him, I also don't want to make worse a relationship that is already terrible. Man. Although he apologized, I just can't handle his short fuse. I just have SO MUCH going on in my life right now, and I'm really trying to stay focused, and I just can't afford the distraction. It sucks, but that's just where I am right now. I just can't *choose* to have someone like that in my life, either. I feel selfish, I guess. I don't want the complicated relationships. I've always been this way. I have a hard time sticking around when others are works-in-progress or are at a "rocky" part of their lives - for my Dad, that's been the last 25 years. I feel like it's my duty to make sure we don't repeat history. He has a lot of childhood trauma and is estranged from his parents, which is what contributed to my own estrangement. Still, I really wish this wasn't a part of my personality!

 

Naturally, struggling people gravitate towards other struggling people in order to find comfort in the thought that they're not alone. It's just totally ass-backward for me. I can't handle all of that - thinking of another's problems when I have a handful of my own. I just don't find comfort from it. I don't know why. It just seems obvious that life sucks for all of us... and sulking with another person is counterproductive. LOL. I mean, at the end of the day, we all have really complicated lives, really complex problems, and yes, we MUST be there for each other because there is just no other way, but if someone isn't interested in what you have to say, or in helping themselves, it just drags down everyone involved.

 

This turned morbid real quick. LOLLL

 

ANYWHO, I am probably going to talk to my Dad before Father's Day so I don't miss Father's Day...big sigh*

I should probably call my Grandma too, but again, it's the same shit. I don't want to deal with whatever crap she has to give me, so I just avoid it. The irony of it is all is I often avoid the 2 people who avoid each other. LOL. 

 

Moving on though, this week was REALLY fucking productive, like despite everything, this was a stellar week and I'm feeling really good about starting the weekend off on a good note. Although logically, I am probably overcompensating for the bad aspects of my life (like living in a homeless shelter LOL OBVIOUSLY), but I am pleasantly surprised by how steadily things are moving along. I'm really trying to stay positive, to stay on top of things, and to not let outside factors penetrate this bubble I'm in. I'm honestly starting to trust the journey a bit more. Embrace change. It's not easy, but I think a big part of living well is learning how to let go what was and what could be, and being open to what is to come. 

 

So, specifics? All the what? 2 years? of not going to the doctor has finally come to an end. I've gotten every shot under the sun, a full physical, a full lady-physical (OBGYN), and fuck yeah, I'm in tip-top health. LMFAO. I'm being tested for PCOS, which is what they suspect I have (prevents regular ovulation, among a range of other issues I've been experiencing). I checked the symptoms online and it looks like it REALLY matches up. 

 

The best part is if they make a diagnosis, there are treatments. I just hope they don't find any cysts on my ovaries. I had a pretty good talk with my doctor and I told her that, yes, I do want to get pregnant. Not *now*, OBVIOUSLY, but considering it doesn't happen overnight, and can take up to 2 years naturally (and let's just say I've been having unprotected sex for 12 years, so, yeah.) I don't want to take birth control. If anything, I would consider the pill because that's something I can better control. I wouldn't want to make the long-term commitment of an implant, shot, or patch. It's scary to think about this stuff. I'm scared if I don't seriously start thinking about this, I might not be able to get pregnant. We're almost 30 for fuck's sake. Where did the time go? This is such a strange age. I'm turning 27 this year and I feel like I didn't even experience my 20's. Not necessarily that I didn't do anything, but that so much happened, I didn't notice the years pass me by. And, yet, I still wish I did more. I admit, though, I am genuinely glad that I spent most of it childless. I know it won't be easy, but I know being in a good place with yourself is going to make all the difference. Decisions, decisions. 

 

In other news, Hubpages is on fire. Like, I made a profit. I MADE A MONEY. Obviously not a lot, but I've only been able to make any profits for like 2 days. LOL.

I also bought an adult coloring book. 

I used to paint. I don't know, I might pick it back up with those little kiddy watercolor palettes because why not.

 

Comments

[lusentoj]

my wife's cousin got really messed up (seemingly permanently) from taking the pill, i don't remember what happened exactly but she even had to change her whole diet afterwards too in order to avoid something-or-other.... and she hadn't been taking it for so long either.

the stuff with your crappy family members and things... do you want your future kid to have contact with those guys?

[december_solstice]

Yeah, it can really mess you up, and from what I've learned from my doctor, taking it before you've reached...like..full maturity? Can REALLY cause problems. I took a lot of birth control as a teen, and it's hurt me now in my mid-late 20's. I took a shot that prevents you from getting pregnant for a year, and I did this at age 15. I've also been off and on the pill for a few years after that. So, you can imagine what that did to my body.

Ideally, I'd like to avoid anything that will further make it harder for me to get pregnant in the future. Chances are I would need to take something to regulate my hormones and get me to start ovulating again, but I would not take the birth control to do this.

As for family contact with future offspring, I really don't know. I would wish my kids to be near SOME family, but the reality is, it's hard to take the good and leave the bad, you know? How do I bring my Mom into the picture without my Dad? Like, I really wouldn't mind having my husband's Grandma a part of my kid's life assuming she's still around by then, but neither of us is fond of anyone else in his family. And, how do you avoid all of them when they all live together under one roof?

[lusentoj]

You really can't avoid them in that case... D: You'd just have to ignore them altogether then I think. It's much better to have no relatives than to have 20 crazy ones and 1 good one, I think.