Solving a conflict? Too soon to tell.

[december_solstice]

I finally had a heart to heart w/ Coal after 3-4 days of not speaking to her. She responded better than I expected her to, but still in a way I expected her to. If that makes any sense. With a little resistant and stubbornness, but in a way that acknowledges where I am coming from and making it clear that I am appreciated. At this point, I can't say if we will strengthen our bond and try to be better to each other. I hope we both learn how to be more considerate and thoughtful with each other because honestly, we all need that, you know? I was also very careful with my words, and I'm glad I was. I think if I came off mean, it would have hit too big a nerve, and create a lot of extra tension. I can better see her point of view, and how I can be unknowingly inconsiderate. I realized that her feelings are more important than my desire to poke fun or tease, for example. I guess, in a way, I'm used to pushing buttons, "playing rough" with Tom, and I am not as easily offended - but not everyone is like me, not everyone is like us. And, that's OK, and quite frankly, that is what makes each relationship unique and special.

Anyways, we really tried to dish it out, and unearth issues that I guess we haven't really been able to address due to fear of well...losing a friend. I'm still pretty surprised how much that incident hit a nerve. I didn't realize how insanely protective I am about my marriage! It's a good feeling, though. Just thinking...about how different we are, how we've got our own things going on, yet, that loyalty is there and it's strong as FUCK. In any and all situations, I would defend him and us, and that really does feel like...the bread and butter of...a lasting marriage.

In other news, I started applying for jobs on LinkedIn. I'm just trying anything at this point. I've getting so much spam texts and emails from fake scam-y jobs. Nothing real or solid coming my way.

I can't even express how much I'm hating summer and can't wait for it to be over. The heat is making me crazy. I can't really eat, I feel tired and fatigued all the time. With everything else going on - all the stress and anxiety of just not knowing what's going to happen with the landlord, where we're going to be living, ect. if I can find a job any time soon, ect. - I've just trying to keep my cool and not think about what I can't control. Do what I can, then move on, you know?

Tomorrow I plan to do quite a bit of writing. I will be making a written request for a housing program with CC (Catholic Charities), and perhaps find similar programs on the web, and send the same stuff their way too. Then I want to do some of my own writing. I'd like to revisit my play/manuscript/drama piece. I have a good idea of what I want to come next, and it's going to be good. I actually got a lot of inspiration from this article on why people date or stay with people they don't actually really like that much/can't connect with/or have much in common with at all.

I also need to figure out what I'm going to eat over the next few days. I haven't really been able to eat. I don't know what it is. I've been skipping meals, or barely eating what's on my plate. I mostly just down beverages. The closest thing to food I've been eating is protein smoothies. I'm blaming the heat, though.

Comments

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

you're dying of heat, meanwhile yesterday was the first day we turned a heater on in the house LOL

the majority of couples out there don't seem to have anything in common... even my dad and step-mom, all i can think of is that they're both software programmers, past that they seem like they don't have any interests in common (and i'm not sure their jobs are "interests" at this point). my wife likes to say, a marriage like that is no better than an arranged marriage. and likewise, she doesn't get why people are so against arranged marriages when it's just the same as or better than the average heterosexual "love" relationship....

i visited a friend's house, his parents are divorced but the mom (who lives in canada) stays over for weeks at a time. it felt REALLY weird. like, you guys divorced but are still this close...? if it works out so well, why did you even get married...?

what's in the protein smoothies? (i'm assuming they're not "powder smoothies")

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

I completely agree. Like for real, so many people stay in lame, boring, abusive marriages for the sake of staying and nothing else. People are loyal for the sake of loyalty, you know? Because divorce is inherently bad and you made a commitment before God. A good wife, a good husband, stays with their spouse regardless of what happens. I think it's all bullshit. LOL.

Coal did something similar as what your friend's parents did. Her marriage was in the hole for many years - in fact, she never wanted to get married, but her ex-husband's family sort of forced them because they had a child together. Now she's a working single mother, primary parent (he has weekends but is not too interested in his visitation), and receiving child support. Super bitter about the entire situation. What's interesting is for several years, they were separated BUT living together. They were dating other people while they lived in the same home. They've claimed that it was mostly a choice for their daughter to not disrupt her home life, and I believe that, but it was also because she could not financially support herself at that point, so he was still supporting her for quite some time while dating other people. It's crazy, honestly. I couldn't see myself or many others who would do that for their baby mama. He REALLY loved her, and believed there was still hope until the last moment. He is also bitter as fuck now. Ended up remarrying immediately after the divorce was finalized to the first girl he met after Coal. I know, crazy.

Both my husband and I really didn't have any good role models to teach us what real, good love is. He grew up with a single father, and didn't really have a relationship with his Mom until a few years before his father's death. And, when that happened, she got up and left in less than a week, making him and his little brother homeless. His brother was a minor, and went with the state. He got really fucked up from all that. Got into drugs, ect. My husband lived in a park for 6 months, then we found him a transitional living program for young adults under the age of 20. From there we got an apartment together and the rest is history. So, for him, he really has no idea what a "good" relationship or stable family looks like.

You already get a gist of how my Dad is. Lol. My mom doesn't leave him because, "I'm not confident he won't kill himself and I can't carry that guilt for the rest of my life." So, again, not exactly a good example. I don't doubt that my Mom has love for my Dad, and really cares to an extent, however she is extremely unhappy and trapped by guilt.

In both cases, and many cases I've noticed, a lot of married people and those in long-term relationships don't really like their partner that much. They're settling out of fear of being alone OR the drama the relationship brings in is exciting enough. Breaking up, being heart broken, then making up, and reentering the honeymoon phase over and over again.

But for me, I've NEVER experienced that, so that article I was talking about...I'm trying to see if I can find it now, was very insightful and interesting for someone who never really dated. I had one other 'serious' boyfriend before this and he was fantastic, but went to juvi at age 16...I think for robbery, I'm not sure. I felt so bad when he finally called me back and I didn't wait for him. But, I was also so disappointed. I think I had 2 boyfriends before I met my husband. I started dated fairly young, like age 12. LOL. One of those relationships lasted 2 years (age 13-15), the one with the dude who went to juvi. He was a year older than me, and we entered puberty together...so you can imagine how that went. LOL. LOTS of phone sex. AHAHAHA I had another boyfriend who was sweet, and I really liked him. I used to make him seashell necklaces T_T

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

I've always loved many things about my husband. Mostly his passion for life, though. He is so himself, you know? We may not have many similar interests (besides gaming), but we vibe incredibly well. Personality wise, we are very compatible, I guess. We're both playful and mischievous. He is intelligent and engaging. There is a lot of exchange of interests and information. We are constantly teaching and sharing new things with each other. And, that, in my opinion, is the most important thing of all. You have to be able to discuss and talk about anything. The longest my husband and I ever broke up for is 1 hour LOL and when I was about to get picked up by my Mom, we SOBBED like BABIES. This was in high school still, some 14-15 years ago. He said, "I will never ever break up with you or leave you again."/ "What was I thinking letting you go like that?" It was like cement. Our relationship shifted. I knew in that moment, even though I was only 15, that I was going to marry this boy someday.

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

Stuff like this is why I'm glad I always read a lot. Even if I never had some certain kind of relationship, I at least see it in books and fanfiction : /

Yeahhh I'm pretty sure god doesn't want you to hate your life and be suicidal and harm others due to the mental problems your "life trials" gave you... or does he? I hear he's pretty crazy ; D

Haha I dated at 14, then again at 17, then started dating my wife at age 19. But the first two were really short and meaningless. I didn't realize at that time what it was to actually like someone, or actually have a crush on someone, so I mistook stuff like general admiration for a "crush" feeling.

My half-sister was in foster homes for a while, but I never understood what her problem was. She always hated my dad because he wasn't her real dad, and because he had actual house rules (like a normal person). She was doing stuff like breaking into houses and stealing trousers, running away from home, staying out all night and getting frostbite, having to be picked up at the police station at 2 am. When she was like sixteen. I wonder if it also had something to do with that my mom always ran an in-home daycare - when there's 8 other kids who are younger than you, you never get any attention from your mom even if she IS home all day.

So I heard at some point she was in foster care, got bounced around there and ended up coming back to live with my mom. She does drugs and has dated a lot of abusive guys. I've never really talked to her much because she's eight years older than me and grew up mostly with my mom (on her own choice), and my brother and I grew up with my dad... but I've watched her make incredibly stupid decisions over and over again. I mean, it's not bad luck — she's really screwed up her entire life by her own hands. Then got "content", as in decided she can't save up money and lose a little comfort in life in order to pay for further education so she could get a better job later, stuff like that.... it's a good thing she's never had kids.

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

Just realized I missed your question. The protein smoothie! I also call it my ovary drink. LMFAO

I've never actually tried those powder nutrients, and until recently, I haven't really taken vitamins. However, since I no longer use birth control, and am working on improving my ovulation cycle, I'm taking a prescription prenatal daily vitamin right now that has extra calcium and iron. It's been really really helpful, but all the hormonal shifts is...rough.

Usually in the morning, I have a pretty simple peanut butter, sunflower seeds (specifically to increase progesterone, you can skip that Lol), banana, chocolate smoothie with chocolate almond milk, bananas, a plain greek yogurt (or kefir, whichever you have), cottage cheese (I know that's weird but it actually adds a REALLY nice creamy taste lol). It's honestly quite a morning sweet treat without the crash, and the energy really lasts for hours. If you don't want the chocolate though, I really like coconut milk too w/ sweet potato.

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

chocolate's fine! for chocolate i use "chocolate paste", which isn't a paste - it's just pieces of pressed cocoa beans without anything else added. if i really want to make it just like chocolate, i add an egg yolk + vanilla powder + honey. i also have cocoa powder but since it's missing the cocoa "fat" it's not exactly the same...

i just read today (since i was reading more about kefir) that apparently, when americans on forums say they're taking "probiotics" and they're "eating so healthy (except then they get weird problems, hence the forum posts)", it means they're actually buying tons of "probiotic powder/pills" and just like, shoveling them into their mouths. but you can make yoghurt and other fermented foods soo easily and cheaply.... and stuff like kefir grains is a one-time buy since they multiply themselves, and even if you're completely lactose intolerant (ignoring that kefir breaks down the lactose) you can even use it in stuff like juice....

oh and i also saw a ton of posts "you shouldn't eat probiotic foods if your immune system is weak!" yeah, maaaybe don't drink 5 glasses of kefir a day, but at least have a spoonful or two a day and heal your gut slowly until you feel like you can ramp it up to a normal level... or y'know, try every fermented food possible. like, humans were made to eat fermented foods, if you can't handle them but you can handle artificial powders then something's really wrong...