(no subject)

[december_solstice]

I feel so defeated right now. Life is so difficult, and I often think about what the purpose is and if that purpose is significant enough for me to live. I thought I had so much to live for...but right now, I really feel like I'm living for my husband and my mother. I couldn't put them in that kind of grief, you know? Frankly, I don't think they would survive it. It would probably DESTROY them. Their death would destroy me. No question about it. Thomas struggles with depression, and I'm curious what he lives for.

A lot of my thought processes remind me of my father. I remember this particular afternoon he told me he almost hung himself...and all the other little conversations we've had. It makes A LOT more sense to me now because I'm feeling a lot of those same feelings he did (or still does...I have no idea.) He would tell me that I was all he had to live for. His mental illness was all surface then, you know? Now, it's like, HOLY SHIT, I get THAT. I started developing OCD last year after a break-in attempt and I now have all the same quirks he does. I excessively check doors, windows, electrical outlets, and the stove. I have a really irrational fear for safety.

Comments

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

sounds awful... i mean, you can't exactly afford to get any kind of worthwhile help right now either.

i'm slowly getting worse and worse but i also get better in some ways, and like for the past week i've been doing great, productive every day, i even started writing fanfic again - and guess why? because the parents have been away for two weeks and haven't even been calling. it's pitiful when you KNOW that's all it takes to fix all your problems.

my dad's never been depressed so he just doesn't get it. he thinks that depressed people are putting on a show, basically.

how's it going with the book, did they say they can get you a copy?

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I mean, even if I wanted to go to a therapist, I don't even really have the motivation to make the calls and look for a doctor. In my mind, it's like, why do any of that, when I can just avoid it? LOL #logic

That's exactly how I feel, "I'm slowly getting worse and worse, but I'm also getting better in some ways." Trading some progress in one part of my life for absolutely distribution in another LOLOLOL.

That's awesome! I've also been writing. I love hearing people doing stuff for them - beyond the mundane day-to-day tasks of life. Honestly, it's just so nice to hear about your projects and what you're up to...it's motivation for me to think about my shit too.

Writing is great. It's just a great way to decompress and focus on something for a while. The great thing about writing is...you can see your progress you've made. You can look at the work you did. It's like art...I guess :P

I just love words on a page...there is definitely a word aesthetic LOL.

Still nothing from Amazon though butt holes. I will probably need to send another email to customer service. Things like this have always been a peeve of mine. LOL. I don't know why. I hate when people are sloppy about helping. LOL.

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

I have like 50+ unfinished projects haha. But I'm feeling better and better about actually finishing stuff now, and I'm seeing more new projects in stuff I do in everyday life. Like yesterday I was editing a wikipedia page and I realized, I don't have to edit the page this much — I can save all I wrote and then write a short book on the topic instead.

[outerspace-bae.livejournal.com]

That's really great - but honestly, I don't blame you at all. 50+ projects...really? I MEAN DO YOU WRITE THIS DOWN?! Because I have...like less than 10...and I'm thinking I'm way in over my head Lol

Btw, yes, if you're editing wikis, shit, you may as well write an article at least.

[ringlat.livejournal.com]

Haha, I just tend to switch projects whenever something especially bad happens or when I'm almost done with one. Alas.