So, I ran into some old photos from Myspace.

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago.




I think it's really crazy how quick life can pass us by.

I snagged this photo from her Myspace account. I shall call this old pal M.

M and I met in my first year of community college while I still lived in Hawaii. Instantly, I wanted to know this girl. She had an infectious smile. She was full of charm, very bright and innocent. We clicked instantly and were pretty much inseparable. I spent so much time with her. Every day, if possible, we'd spend hours together. I could never regret that short time I had with M because every moment really did fill my heart with love, happiness and wonder.

So, you’re probably thinking? Well, what happened? All I can say is it was gradual, but I didn’t see it coming. She began making new friends, whom were probably a very bad influence on her. It shocked me, how this once VERY grounded, very sure, very focused, very bright young woman lost her footing. She lost sight of what was once important to her and traded it in for popularity, fun and pleasure.

She entered the party scene and began taking drugs. I, for one, am actually very open minded about recreational drug use, with the assumption that the consumer is a responsible adult. She was not, that was the problem. She was making a lot of stupid, dumb ass decisions.

The last straw for me was after the events of a rave. She was tripping balls, completely incoherent, and I, trying to be the responsible best friend, and protect her, had to basically babysit her all night. If not, she’d throw her self at random strangers. She had absolutely no control over herself. She didn't know when to stop, or how to take E responsibilty. No concept of self-control or self-responsibility, and even though she told me that she didn’t need a babysitter (because — she’s an adult and can get herself out of whatever situation she put herself in), letting her get taken advantage of, letting her accidentally go home with someone else, get raped, roofied, killed, letting her put herself in harms way…I could not.  I was trying to be a sensible human being. I couldn’t abandon her or let her make bigger mistakes that will effect her future. I couldn’t.

Anywho, I wasn’t feeling so well that night. Instead of helping me leave, she popped more E and I lost her in the crowd. That night I smoked some REALLY SHITTY pot, PROBABLY laced with downers. I felt like shit for DAYS.

It was that following morning that I realized this wasn’t working anymore. She did not value the friendship anymore, so I had no real reason to stick around. Her mom started blaming me for her fuck ups. I had to jet. It was hard. I was heart broken. Eventually I started avoiding her at school. Then, I took a semester off, refocused on the future, and cut ties.

I admit, I have made some mistakes down the line, because I had not forgiven her. I said some mean, unnecessary things about her on social media. It was in a line of comments, and I don’t think I made it particularly clear or even really visible who I was talking about, but someone ratted me out and the news got to her. The following day one of her friends left a snarky “fat” comment on my timeline, then blocked me. We eventually tried to dish it out, but I couldn’t get past it. I really just couldn't. I still can’t after…god, 6-7 years? I really really felt betrayed by her. I felt my loyalty did not matter. That my tough love was mistaken for hatred or even jealousy! I have no idea really how she ended up taking the entire situation. I assume better than I, since she attempted to reach out to me a few times.

A few years ago, or maybe a year, I’m not entirely sure, she came to NYC. We were not friends on Facebook at the time but she contacted me. I couldn’t get myself to see her. I could not face her, you know? I couldn't look her in the face. Just thinking about looking her in the face...I knew I would never do it again.

I know that I probably would never want to see her again because the person I miss does not exist, and I’m not trying to reconnect with a stranger.